Feeling March in November...

It's scary to feel in early November the way that I usually feel in mid-March.* Knowing how much colder and darker it will get in the encroaching months of bleakness kind of makes my stomach churn.

Being able to pinpoint the impetus behind a fluctuating mood helps...a bit. It only helps a "bit" because the factors that are in power of my mind's balance aren't really negotiable. It's a non-negotiable fact that I have 3 kids that are very active, which require me to spend a majority of my waking hours just driving and waiting. It's a fact that I have a husband whose job tends to pull him away from our house for lengthy business trips. He's my best friend and best source of support and life just doesn't feel balanced when he's gone. It's a fact that I am having issues with a few of my own character and body flaws, none of which are really things that I can "do" anything about. I can't become younger, or less gray-haired, or ever look much better than I do today.

All of these facts are clear-cut and easy for me to diagnose as half of my problem with my current state of mind. The other half is the lack of motivation that is a side effect of being mildly depressed. Having a lack of motivation in March is something I'm used to and something I can handle. I know how to make things work and meditate and delclutter my life in March so that I can be whole again in April and May.

But it's only November.

I'm not so sure how I'm going to make it through the winter if I'm feeling like March when it's only November.


*If I'm being perfectly honest, I've been feeling like March since August, but the sunshine and air and dirt of this summer was medicine enough to alleviate the gloom and doom. It's harder to be cheerful when the sky is dark before supper.

**Not a danger to myself. Don't worry. I'm just really, really empty.

Kowabunga

There are times when I wonder if my children will someday say that they hope to be a better mother than I am(was). I don't claim to be a perfect mom. I don't even often claim to be a "good" mom. I'm ok. I love them a lot. A WHOLE LOT. But I am a person and I want things and time and space and freedom...just like they do. There are moments when you really step back and look around at the people in your life and think
Holy shit; you all feel about 23 and confused inside too, don't you? You probably wonder about the futility of cleaning the house and painting the walls. I am most definitely not alone in this pondering about the importance of a moment compared to the magnitude of eternity.

Will they remember me for my mistakes and faults as "their mother" or will they understand that my being their mother is not the sole purpose of my life? Will they fall into the trap of believing that their purpose in life is to be a Perfect Parent? An unattainable and pointless goal-will that be their fate?

I am so distracted. The leaves are blowing with that gusty-humid wind that often signifiies either a glorious spring storm or a potential tornado. Both are reasons to pay attention to the weather channel, but I am still...distracted. The kids keep changing their clothing to accommodate this sudden onslaught of heat and sticky-thick air. Thankfully, our humidity-induced-headaches have been relieved; I may just become a supporter of aspirin, after all.

I desperately want for someone to come and take everything. Leave us each 3 outfits, a few books, and a couple of computers. Make sure we have lots of cups because we really drink a lot of water and lemonade and coffee around here. The rest... The rest can go. I am done with this overflow of belongings. I am overwhelmed and overburdened and overflowing and done.

It's only somewhat comforting to understand that I am so incredibly emotional because of hormones. I mean, it's helpful to hold this knowledge, and to be able to look at my calendar and nod in understanding as my outlook on life does a backflip. It doesn't mean that the Crazy isn't Real. It just means I know to take the restlessness and anxiety with a grain of salt and an extra nap or two. One thing I do know about myself is that this will pass and I will feel lighter again. I won't try to fight the lows. It's not worth the effort and actually seems to make it last longer. I just surf the waves of emotions instead.

I should learn to knit

Sometimes it feels like Motherhood is a ball of yarn that I coil up tightly each night, tucking the ends in under the bottom. I wake each morning all freshly wrapped up, ready to start the day with a cheerful disposition and happy heart. Occasionally, I will enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning light and reflect upon how awesome I am; how easily I can remain composed and courteous. Somewhere within that first or second cup of coffee, my younger children will awaken. If they wake with a smile and a skip in their step, all is good. All is well. I might even begin a chore or two before someone begins to tug at a loose bit of yarn.

Tug, tug.

Perhaps it's just a little fray, at first. An argument over a lack of cereal or adequate milk to pour over it. A foot that crosses over a "line" on the couch, daring to invade another's "space."

Sometimes those tugs can unravel my tightly wound yarn-ball. Like cats, they snarl and claw over the loosened strands and I can feel myself rolling about; fraying and knotting and snagging on the minutiae that young human beings feel so desperately passionate about.

I am not adept at crocheting a blanket from the yarn that spills about me each night. It is all I can do to simply circle it around my hands, breathing deeply as I unknot and untangle and unwind the snarls of the day.

Ever sit at a stop light and think about putting the car in park? Just parking it in the intersection and stepping away, through the traffic, and into anonymity...

There is much doubt in my mind that my children will ever write sweet platitudes about their patient and selfless mother. Their memories will contain moments of sweetness, for sure. After all, I am a person who WILL go to great lengths to help someone, my children especially. I want to make everyone happy, but not at any cost. I know what I need and I am not afraid to be vocal about it. Down time. Alone time. Writing time. Reflection time. Time to just talk. Time to have adventures in a space outside of our own. Time, time, time...

I have been asked why I blog quite often lately. The answers aren't a simple few to be paraphrased like a mission statement, but one reason is very clear: I need to be quiet and still, as though I were walking alone through the woods. I need to reflect and remember. I need this, especially during the days that unravel my peace while living in the constancy that is motherhood.

The concept of a ball of yarn came to me yesterday. I could feel it unrolling throughout the day, bit by bit, and by nighttime, all I wanted was to curl up within myself. All I wanted was to close the bedroom door and be with my husband and connect... Instead, I woke with a start in the early morning hours, having had no moments of reflection with Patrick. Head pounding behind my eyes and snow piling ever higher about our house, I fear for how quickly I may unravel today.

Negative Energy

Gasping and struggling to stay above the negative energy that has invaded every corner of our home this January.

The weather, the walls, the mess, the weather again... it all adds up and I am not always that great at math, but even I can see how adding 3 kids of varied ages, hormones, weather that includes phrases such as "polar vortex", and the inability to move beyond our limited choice of rooms will result in an overabundance of negative particles. We're all floating around, constantly bumping into each other, and transferring our negative charges to each other in a vicious circle. I am actually a little hoarse from yelling today.

It's been AWESOME.

Trying to focus on the fact that the days are a tiny bit longer, though the temperature is a thousand times colder. Trying to remember that at 4:18 pm last month, it was absolute darkness; today, it is bright! The sun hasn't even started setting yet!

It could be worse. It could be worse. It could be so so so so sooooo much worse.

This actually helps me. Nobody is sick. We are all in a warm house with food to eat and it is the end of January instead of the beginning of December. We're almost done with this horrifically horrible horror of brutal winter COLD ASS WEATHER, instead of just kicking it off. Mid-winter is difficult to get through, but we've done it before and we'll do it again.

Lots of coffee and cookies. That is my goal for this week. Coffee and cookies. And wine.

For No Particular Reason

Knowing that my mood is about to swing doesn't mean I can stop it. It gives me fair warning, I guess. A really kind choice would be to extend that warning to those around me, but that doesn't often occur to me until I'm sitting in my closet with the door closed, crying over my lack of clean, matched socks.

Knowing how lucky I am when it's the spring and summer months full of sunshine and outdoor activities doesn't change the fact that I will still struggle to feel joy inside of my heart right now. Happy moments, yes. But that deep-down joy will escape me.

I know from experience that this wave will wash over me, regardless of any levee I build.

It's the quiet of the night that consumes me and fills my mind with thoughts and scenarios and wishes and dreams. I've always dealt with this. Every month, every winter, randomly.... These sudden crashes of hormones aren't a new delight; the ability to look ahead and SEE that it is on the horizon is fairly recent, though. I guess I'm grateful for that? Yes. Grateful. Yippee.

There is power in knowledge, yes? I think the fear lies in that I never know exactly how massive the current tide will be.

~~

I would wager that making a drastic change to the tattoo I've always wanted probably isn't a good idea during a mood crash, eh? Or maybe it IS? I have always kicked around the idea of a hawk as it means a lot to me (freedom, beauty, strength, yadda, yadda) but I have yet to see a design or sketch one out that I would actually want to have on my body from now until I die. And then the idea of a poison dart frog popped (hopped?) into my mind... And I kinda love every single thing about it:

The ability to defeat huge obstacles despite its ridiculously tiny stature; the wildness of the rain forest; and a beauty that I adore, even if I can never hold it in my hand....

~~

I've come to the realization that I have been permanently cut off from a dear friend's life. It wasn't a clean or efficient slice. It didn't happen with precision or explanations. It's been months of quiet disregard for my feelings, and the replies to repeated emails and voice messages have been brief and subtly cutting. I don't take hints very easily, though and have continued to hope. Each hope has been tediously ignored and brutally papercut away from me... Last night I realized that the friendship is no more. Despite the fact that I will always care deeply for this person, I will no longer be allowed into her life. It would have been so much kinder to have just told me to go away.

~~

So much good in my life. So much happiness and friendship and love. I laugh to think of how blessed I am, but that doesn't equal an inability to feel deep and crushing sadness. I can be grateful for my blessings and still yearn for that which I cannot have.

~~

Speaking of blessings, Listen To Your Mother is scheduled to be on the NBC Nightly News at 5:30 CST tonight (Friday) AND possibly on the Today show tomorrow (Saturday) morning. If you are anxious to get a glimpse of the show I adore as it is seen through the eyes of a tv editor, please tune in and then be sure to tell me how awesome it is. I would not be opposed to being told that LTYM is amazing a few more times.

Pfftt.

Almost a week since I've written.

Why?

Hmmmm...

If I say I've been "off" emotionally, will that make you worry about me? I hope not; Don't worry. I'm not suicidal or manic or any other psychologically "scary" thing. I'm just... off.

You know; crying because your 13 yr old slighted you (again). Mindlessly wandering around the house and then being shocked because an entire day has gone by and you don't remember any of it. Trying to motivate yourself into doing something, anything, so you end up cooking a 5 course meal that doesn't get eaten around the table like you'd envisioned - so you cry again. Getting a jokey text from your husband and taking it seriously only to find out it's a joke and then? You cry at gymnastics.

That kind of shit.

I talked to a really good friend the other day on the phone. We laughed and talked and had a great conversation. I hung up the phone, flopped on the bed and asked Patrick "Why am I so freaking sad?"

Ahhhh.... hormones. Ahhhh.... Life's fluctuations. I so adore the valleys. They are Such. Fun. with their shadowy ditches.

At least this low cycle isn't motivated by anything "real". It is actually easier for me to understand that it's just my mood and not the rest of the world/family/etc. that is the issue. Nothing needs to be fixed. Nothing needs to be done, other than hiding underneath several blankets in an over-air-conditioned house. I just want to curl up for a few days. I know it'll pass eventually.

Instead, I have to force myself to drag reluctant kids to lessons they love, and on outings they'll enjoy if only they'd get their butts in gear. Once we get to where we're going, I am generally "fine". In fact, I may be laughing uproariously and you'll think "What is she talking about? She's FINE."

Whatever.

I kind of lost my train of thought here. I kind of had a point. I kind of don't care anymore.

Call me grumpypants

For such a gorgeous day, I am yelling an awful lot:

Clean the yard! CLEAN IT!

Don't take the dog off the leash to go on the slide!! OUR YARD ISN'T FENCED IN!

Stop YELLING at your SISTER!

Stop YELLING at your BROTHER!

Can't I just get a few minutes of quiet?!?! JUST A LITTLE QUIET??!!?

If you whine at your brother to "stoooopppp" ONE MORE TIME, I swear to GOD that I am going to LOSE MY SHIT!

CLEAN. THE. YARD. NOW!!

~~~
So, I'm trying to calm down so that I can be with my family today. We have a movie and pizza excursion for Evan's birthday present that I cannot be grumpy at. Deep breaths.

Maybe it's hormones? Maybe I need space? Maybe I need to just take a damn breath and not stress out over noise and mess and just enjoy life? Yes. All of those. But it sure would be nice if the children would cooperate a little more.

I got nothing but photo ops.

Not a single, solitary witty word is left within me.

Feel free to suggest captions for the following photos. I may or may not give appropriate credit where it is due, depending on how the mood strikes me. Right now my mood is screaming "BITCHY! DON'T BRING ANY PUPPIES WITHIN KICKING DISTANCE!" so I wouldn't get my hopes up too high if I were you.

Enjoy.Indy 500. No kids. Beer.

Chevy Tahoe. Also no kids. Alas, no beer. Alas, it is no longer mine to use...
(Now say "alas" several times in a row. It brings a smile to my face...)

Memorial Day 2011

The Tahoe again...

"NO! i do Not want to Play Right Now"
She may not always be friendly, but at least she can spell.

Chicago's Millennium Park and Art Institute field trip

Several cartwheels. No head injuries.

"I am too cool to play in a water fountain. I am TWELVE. Du-uuuhhh!"

Hmmm. I found a few captions, after all. This is what happens when Blogger requires so damn long to download (upload?) photos.

Also, it appears as though I missed my 5 year blogaversary. I had plans people. PLANS. This only adds to my overall bitchiness tonight. This calls for wine. Alas, alas, alas....

Ten to the Third

Damn, I'm in a pissy mood.

It's pretty obvious when I haven't posted in almost a week.

~ I hosted a jewelry party which I cleaned the ENTIRE house for. Holy shit. Naturally, it's a disaster again. I'm sure that can't have anything to do with the bitch I am today.

~ A family party for cousins I haven't seen in a few years (that rocked, though. Good food and good family.) was good. My kids loved rediscovering cousins that are the same age as them and Justin wants to write a reminder on the calendar for us to call them to hang out again. So. That's a good thing.

~ I'm trying to not be HOT in freaking OCTOBER. In ILLINOIS. I hate hate hate these last bursts of heat in the fall. HATE THEM. I am in a damn tank top and shorts on 10-10-10. What the hell?!? I don't want to shave my legs anymore. It's time to layer up and hunker down for the winter. I am ready to hibernate, not sweat.

~ My mood went completely down the poop chute this afternoon when Patrick waved goodbye to go watch the Bears game SOMEWHERE ELSE. That was a huge surprise and a royal disappointment.

~ I have banished Evan and Corinne to their rooms for about 30 minutes now which is why I have managed to plunk out these horrifically boring and trite sentences this afternoon. I had a sweet idea for posting a bunch of "tens" of things today in honor of the date stamp but screw it.

I need some coffee but it's 81 in my house. EIGHTY-ONE. In October.

Most Excellent Morning

Parenthood is odd. In no other relationship would I ever tolerate someone who...

... yells at me for making them a meal without clearing every ingredient first. It's like When Harry Met Sally:

... clogs a toilet with poop, leaves it there, doesn't tell me, and LOCKS the bathroom door!

... kicks me in the head when I'm sleeping.

... left their crap all over the place and didn't understand why I get a little ticked off by it.

If this were ANY other relationship? If they were a guy I was living with? They'd have been gone years ago. Out the door, See Ya. Don't call me; I'll call you.

It's a good thing I love 'em. I swear, I do. Because it is their combined desire to see how quickly they can push Mom to the brink.

They're putting out a splendid effort today. Top notch.

A picture post is better than no post...

Yet another bout of writer's block and womanly angst is keeping me from posting anything more meaningful than "Hi! Vote for me!" *I guess I could delve into the lovely recesses of my monthly hormone fluctuations by describing just how tickled I feel over the reality that (if the days were lined up, one after the other) I will probably have 2.5** solid years (or more!) of joyful menstruation. NOT including the 2.5 years of funtastic pms. Basically, 5 solid years of womanly bliss...

Honestly, I would rather take my medicine in the big lump sum, than to have to endure the monthly realization that "Oh YEAH.... I'm not the worst mother/wife/daughter/sister/human being in existence. It's just my hormones flying off the handle again. Silly little buggers! WHERE'S the chocolate and wine?!?" Give me 2.5 years of Aunt Flo and then she can permanently vacate the premises.

Whatever. Bleh. Phhhbbbtttt.
~~
Just waiting for the phone call from my mother-in-law, telling me they've safely landed at O'Hare and then we're off to pick up my baby from her house. In the meantime, let's amuse ourselves with photos of my remaining 2 kids and husband from this weekend, shall we?

Awwww... Freaking cutie pies at Brookfield Zoo on Friday. It was beautiful out and we had cash in our pockets from Grandma so the little rugrats not only got pizza and ice cream, but they also got to ride the carousel! We FINALLY got to see the new exhibit! The Great Bear Wilderness features the animals from North America and it is really beautifully done. The Polar Bears were hiding in this shot, but I'm actually IN one, so I had to prove that I existed...He's a big guy, isn't he? I often forget just HOW tall Pat is until I can easily pick him out in a crowd or force him to stand against a gigantic painting of a polar bear and see that he could almost take it down...

A phone call from Justin to Evan:

"Hey Justin! Guess what?!? Guess what video game came out? Hey Justin! Guess what?!? Guess where we are? THE ZOO! Hey Justin? I miss you..."
Mean homeschooling mom made them find animals so that they could get their ice cream. She was writing "polar bear" right there for her animal that began with a "p." Heh heh...The cool thing about this picture is that it looks like she's a cheetah riding a cheetah, but she's actually on a dolphin...Soccer AND a ballet rehearsal and THEN Patrick and I had a spontaneous night out! Saturday was crazy busy.... Also, don't you love the creative photography angle that doesn't allow you to see the disaster that is our van floor?
Her ballet recital went SO WELL! They rocked the house to Sweet Caroline and nobody cried or peed on stage which definitely qualifies as a good show, in my opinion.


And now I sit here, waiting for the flight schedule to say that they landed and for the phone to ring. Any second now....

Oooh! It's down and taxiing to the gate. :) My baby is home!


* Which, btw, Please vote for me!

**I can thank Patrick for figuring that one out for me. I was in too pissy of a mood this morning to multiply and add and all that math crap. Thanks a BUNCH babe. It's great to have that bit of information at my fingertips.

4 little bits

Things I have started but not completed this week because 3 children like to follow me around and talk to me ALL THE TIME:

1. 6 blog posts. 1 for every day of the week. Anyone with children knows how difficult it can be to have a creative and complete thought when offspring feel the need to hover behind your shoulder saying "Whatcha writing? Can I have a marshmallow? What's this on my arm? Is it a booger? Why can't I eat it? But I'm hungry! We have NOTHING to eat! I don't LIKE apples and carrots! WHY are you yelling at me, Mommy? I was just asking ONE QUESTION!!" followed by tears. Call me crazy, but it's not conducive to positive energy.

2. Cleaned the office/schoolroom. Holy, holy, holy mess... Ok, here's the thing. Imagine ALL of the schoolwork from your child's school days multiplied by 3. Imagine that not only the students but also the TEACHER tend to stack their papers on their desks to be filed away "later on". (Later on being a mystical non-time that exists in said teacher's silly, little brain). Pile up several products to review and the paperwork that goes along with each of those items. Stack all of that on the computer desk, beside some unpaid and paid bills. Pepper this entire conglomeration with random coloring pages, artwork, pencil shavings (seriously) and Boy Scout stuff and you will have the disaster that is our family office/schoolroom. Sounds like a really great way to encourage positive learning flow, eh? WELL.... I began to clean it yesterday. In one of my common (but not "often") bursts of organizational energy, I started in one corner with the intention of making my way around the entire office! My heart was in the right spot, and I made progress, but forgot that we had soccer practice that night and had to abandon ship midst desk dumping #2 (Evan's desk. Corinne's work table is spotless! The new curriculum is categorized on the shelves and so pretty! I separated the colored pencils, markers and crayons!!). So there are piles of finished math and English surrounding me as I type this, and I haven't even TOUCHED Justin's stuff or my desk yet. I may need something stronger than coffee to knock this room out...

3. Gardening. Heh. My Mother in law sent some seeds for the kids to plant which was great! Starting with 3 kids, we all dug in the dirt and began to pull the weeds from the old pots. When I turned around to start passing out seeds to insert, I noticed that Corinne had wandered off to the swingset. So, Justin, Evan and I planted the pots in the backyard and then headed to the front to finish off with some climbing flowers for the front step. Somewhere between the back patio and the front, I lost Justin to the excitement of the basketball hoop and was left with only Evan. He half-heartedly pulled a few weeds with me from the front pots but was dancing all around, trying to be super-fast. "Do you want to go play with your brother?" I asked. "Thanks!" he shouted and dashed away. I was left with 3 dirty spades and about 8 pots to water. Those poor seeds... I hope they make it this year. We usually forget about the gardens right around July, when we can't take the humidity and turn on the air conditioning...

4. I forget what else. Which is fitting, because that's the whole damn theme here, isn't it? Seriously, I apologize for my absence on all of your sites and appreciate any pity remarks I may get on this post. I am not one with my blog or myself right now. I definitely can't wait until summer break...

Sticks and Stones

It doesn't matter what other people think, right? Then why do I care so much? Why do I care what a random person says about me? Why is bugging the heck out of me that someone (that I wouldn't normally have even associated with for more than 20 seconds at a time) is most likely conversing with another random someone about the disorganized, bumbling, flaky-flake they believe me to be?

If I'm going to be 100% honest, I'll have to admit... because it's partly true. Despite the fact that I begged for help (3 times!) and tried to find someone else to take on the responsibility that I grudgingly agreed to do, the fact of the matter is that I DID say yes and I DIDN'T do a good job. And that? BUGS ME. It irritates me more than the snippy email I received. It irritates me more than the looks I will receive the next time I see them. Owning this problem does NOT sit well with me. In fact, it is giving me a rolling stomachache. And I own it. Oh yes. I own it...

Gah... I am ok when taking care of my own family. I can organize us. But to organize other people? NOT MY CUP OF TEA. Sigh... Lesson learned, I guess.

Kinda sorta

Kinda sorta feeling the Mondays, today. Convenient for me that it IS Monday, but my blah-ness is really making me, well, blah.

Meh.

Did you know that it's best to wash your hands after playing with Play Doh? Unless you actually enjoy the taste of dried Play Doh as a surprise flavor when you are absent-mindedly chewing on your nails. Anyway. Soap is a good idea. Making a mental note....

Shit. I think Patrick switched me to decaf or something. That has GOT to be the reason because holy cripes, I am TY-ERD and have been drinking coffee all day long and NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

I'm sure the weather has nothing to do with it. I mean, I absolutely adore the January mud that is currently re-freezing while the wispy snow that won't amount to anything other than ice is blowing sideways and upwards. FUN TIMES. The kids can't go out! AWESOME. Love having them cooped up. Love having Play Doh stuck on my socks. Love the darkness for days on end! Love Love Love.

Rawr. Is it April yet?

Drinking Shiraz with a Walrus...

Oh how I long for less and more and less and more...

Less...

stress
responsibilities
debt
confusion
gray hair
booty


More...

freedom
time
sleep
money
gratitude
peace
boobs

Feeling especially low right now. Why? Everyone is home. We've eaten. I even have a glass of wine (though it's red instead of white which is fine and I'm not complaining but, well. It's red.) (But thank you honey! It's the thought that counts!) My family's in the other room and I want to go be with them but I don't want anyone to ask me to do anything or find anything or wipe/switch/fix anything. I just want. To. Be. Still.

I finished a painting for my mom today. It's small and I'm sure she'll appreciate it and the effort it took but when I stepped back and evaluated it, all I could see were the colors that weren't rich enough, shapes that weren't sharp enough, and the way it looks as though a 12 year old did it. Which would be fine if that were my intention which, sadly, it was not. So. Merry Christmas, eh? So much for making gifts and trying to use what I have available to let people know I love and appreciate them, even though I can't purchase anything for them.

Damn. So much for following my desire to be grateful for what I've got, eh? This usually happens to me. I think I post overtly grateful, "I'm gonna make the best of this situation", Suzy Sunshine posts when I'm on the verge of crashing into a pit of self-pity. I do believe it's my last-ditch attempt to pull myself away from the pathetic mess that I can sense is on the horizon.

I am he is you are he is you are me and we are all together...


Yeah. That about sums up my brain and is playing on Across the Universe in the other room. I best go watch it with my family and try to force this low the hell out of my head....

Twisted Sister Soldier...*

Conflicted, conflicted. So twisted up inside...

Did I have a good time at BlogHer? Yes. I did. It was nice. Met some wonderful women. Have some faces to put to the blog headers now. I experienced kindness in faces I had been only imagining for 3 years.

Certain family issues were occuring while I was in Chicago, though. And my absence during those situations became heavier on my shoulders the closer I got to home. The guilt I own over that absence is monumental and deafening.

I have a thousand posts in my head. I have a thousand brilliant, ingenious, never-before-seen spins on topics that will surely astound your brains. I have pictures of women I now hold as Friends with a capital F. I have cute stories and funny quips on how we never really leave high shool too far behind.

But not now.

Now, I must turn off this computer, withOUT checking all of your updates. Now, I need to figure some things out in silence, and dig through the mountain of responsibilities and issues that rest upon our shoulders.

Bear with me, old friends and new.

*For Cynthia. :)

A Day Like Today

One of those days.

One of those days where you are so incredibly low that you wonder how you'll possibly make it through the next 5 minutes let alone the next 5 hours before you can realistically expect everyone to be in bed so that you can either cry or rock yourself to sleep...

One of those days where you literally feel the upward motion of your mood caused by the sun's vitamin D when you drag 1 extremely reluctant pre-teen (insert imagined angst here) and 2 other incredibly excited children to the community pool...

One of those days where your highs and lows are so closely intertwined that you begin to wonder at your own sanity. Where you believe that you're on an actual pendulum, swinging up into happiness and down into the pits...

One of those days that has me staring at a wall with complete disgust and fury at 5:01.
One of those days that has me light-hearted and giggling at 5:04.

One of those days that makes me inspect the calendar, using remedial math, only to realize that this is not an early warning sign of manic-depression or any other number of psychological disorders...

One of those days that has me shaking my head at the power of hormones in a woman's life.

I ADORE being a girl!