Monday, September 28, 2009

The things I do

WARNING:

Any mother-in-laws, Aunt-in-laws, Brother-in-laws, or children who have grown up and are now reading their mother's blog to find out why they're in therapy TAKE HEED. You have been duly warned to halt reading any further if the thought of me as anything other than "Madonna-like" (and I'm not talking about the Material Girl) makes you writhe in discomfort.

You. Have. Been. Warned.

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Holy hell. Ever have a brilliant idea that goes a little, um, wrong?

Ok, here's the deal. I don't write about my sex life on this site. I just don't. That's just a little too "open-diary" for me. (Though I adore reading about YOUR sex life! Please! Continue. It's a riot and very interesting. Wink wink.)

ANYway! This isn't about "sex", persay. This brilliant idea was more along the lines of thoughts leading up to the Grand Finale. This BRILLIANT idea included me stumbling upon a red lacy thong in my underwear drawer and thinking "Hey. Haven't worn you in a while. Let's give her a go!" I then remembered that it had been a while since I had, um... (Hey, brother-in-law Mike? Stop reading now, ok? REALLY. ) trimmed it up downstairs, you know? So I marched myself into the bathroom with the only pair of scissors I could find - scrapbooking scissors! I am nothing if not creative.

Snippety, snippety, snip. I was so proud of myself! Making myself more attractive and working towards a healthier sex life. AWESOME! I had great plans of finishing the trim up with a razor and scented lotion, hoping for a certain someone to notice my efforts when OW! Owie! Ouch! Oh my GOD! Holy SHIT like a BITCH!

Never, never, never NEEEEVVVVER trim your hoo-ha without slow and precise movements. Because keeping the pressure on a cut down there while silently crying in your kids' bathroom may SOUND like a fun way to spend a night alone, but I'm telling you: It's not all it's cracked up to be.

(Once the blood stopped, I soldiered on with the razor. And I am currently WEARING THE THONG, damnit. But it appears that all of my pain and bravery were for naught as it is 1:45 on a Monday morning and I am alone and typing about the cut to my privates instead of basking in an after-sex glow.)

23 comments:

Hannah said...

I have done that before, too!! Only once - I am VERY careful now! So I know how much it FRIGGIN' HURTS!!!!!! Hmm, not sure I'd ever be brave enough to blog about it ... but I enjoyed reading your story (not to laugh at your misfortune, but to realise that I'm not the only one who's done something like that). Hope it heals up soon. Oh, and that your man notices the MAJOR effort you went to for HIM!

Rebecca said...

Oh sweetie, ow ow ow ow ow!!!!!! I hurt just reading that!

LceeL said...

Under normal circumstances, being the type of person I am - you know, all sympathetic and stuff - I would offer to kiss an owie and make it better. Be because more often than not - it works. However.

Mmmm. Let's just leave it at however ....

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Lou made me spit my coffee out...

fourre-tout said...

because you've commented previously re your attention to correct use of the language, I'm sure you'll appreciate this tidbit of fyi: actually, it's ... “mothers-in-law/aunts-in-law/brothers-in-law”

Leah said...

Ouch! After all that he better wise up and notice.

Dana said...

Oh you poor thing! Great effort...too bad it didn't pan out. I can't say that that has ever happened to me. It really sucks having to do everything Helen Keller style right now but HEY, I can't see a dang thing! LOL I hope that hubby of yours takes notice and appreciates your effort!

Gettysburg Mom said...

At least you can see your female parts to attend to such issues. I had to ask my husband for help starting at around month six. Nothing else bonds a couple quite like it...

Issas Crazy World said...

I am trying so hard not to laugh right now. Scrapbooking scissors? OWIE!!!!

Charmaine said...

Oh no. You did NOT use scrapbook sissors.

I find such, um, manicures are best left to professionals.

The last time I was "waxed" I looked the young lady straight in the eyes and said, "So, when you were in high school and someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up...is this what you envisioned?"

Damn thongs. Who invented these torture devices anyway?

Mama Goose said...

Oh! NO!! OW!!!

I have had close calls before! Now I'll be sure to be more careful!

And I bet you'll never look at those scissors the same again!

Jess said...

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I salute you for your effort - and hope your hubby made it home in time to appreciate you, too.

Thanks for keeping it real, Tracey. I just love your blog.

Tracey said...

I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF CUTTING AROUND MY HOO-HA AND NOW I DEFINATELY WILL NEVER! THANKS! SO FUNNY!

CaraBee said...

I did that once. It is amazing how much it bleeds. And how much it hurts.

My husband got his jumblies caught in the blade of his electric trimmer once. When he was trying to manscape for me. It was bad. That's love.

I hope your suffering wasn't in vain!

The Adventures of Princess Zaria said...

I have never laughed so hard. Just another, you are so funny yet I'm sure this has happened to many of us. Next time, use a straight razor. LOL

Nap Warden said...

Ummmm....OUCH!

Kami's Khlopchyk said...

oh goodness, but that had to hurt and maybe your pride more than anything. I have never taken anything but a razor down there and I think I will stick with that!

But thanks for sharing the humour in this ;)

Michelle said...

Ouch! sorry it was all for nothing :(

P/F said...

Very funny, and I'm wondering after reading the last few posts if we're living parallel lives.

Last week, armed with a lack of coffee and a razor, I took my personal grooming to a new level when my hand slipped and created a large slice in a very private area (the bathroom, of course). I could not get over the bleeding.

When I told my husband about my 'accident', his comforting words betrayed his self-interest: "So, its all smooth and clean down there, huh?"

love your blog, thanks for leaving a comment.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i didn't know
i didn't know
i didn't know

you could cut your hoo ha with scrapbook scissors

Kailani said...

That has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. However, if you think that's hard, try trimming "down there" when you're 9 months pregnant! LOL!

anymommy said...

Um, owie honey. Also, I think I'll send you a new pair of scrapbooking scissors along with the chocolate and wine because, um, I think maybe those ought to be retired.

Vicki said...

OMG! CaraBee...manscaping. That is so wrong. LMAO! I feel your pain, hun. I let my man trim the bushes when I was 8 months and he scalped me and left me razor burned. Men, they just don't know how to maintain the garden...

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