Knowing that my mood is about to swing doesn't mean I can stop it. It gives me fair warning, I guess. A really kind choice would be to extend that warning to those around me, but that doesn't often occur to me until I'm sitting in my closet with the door closed, crying over my lack of clean, matched socks.
Knowing how lucky I am when it's the spring and summer months full of sunshine and outdoor activities doesn't change the fact that I will still struggle to feel joy inside of my heart right now. Happy moments, yes. But that deep-down joy will escape me.
I know from experience that this wave will wash over me, regardless of any levee I build.
It's the quiet of the night that consumes me and fills my mind with thoughts and scenarios and wishes and dreams. I've always dealt with this. Every month, every winter, randomly.... These sudden crashes of hormones aren't a new delight; the ability to look ahead and SEE that it is on the horizon is fairly recent, though. I guess I'm grateful for that? Yes. Grateful. Yippee.
There is power in knowledge, yes? I think the fear lies in that I
never know exactly how massive the current tide will be.
I would wager that making a drastic change to the tattoo I've always wanted probably isn't a good idea during a mood crash, eh? Or maybe it IS? I have always kicked around the idea of a hawk as it means a lot to me (freedom, beauty, strength, yadda, yadda) but I have yet to see a design or sketch one out that I would actually want to have on my body from now until I die. And then the idea of a poison dart frog popped (hopped?) into my mind... And I kinda love every single thing about it:
The ability to defeat huge obstacles despite its ridiculously tiny stature; the wildness of the rain forest; and a beauty that I adore, even if I can never hold it in my hand....
I've come to the realization that I have been permanently cut off from a dear friend's life. It wasn't a clean or efficient slice. It didn't happen with precision or explanations. It's been months of quiet disregard for my feelings, and the replies to repeated emails and voice messages have been brief and subtly cutting. I don't take hints very easily, though and have continued to hope. Each hope has been tediously ignored and brutally papercut away from me... Last night I realized that the friendship is no more. Despite the fact that I will always care deeply for this person, I will no longer be allowed into her life. It would have been so much kinder to have just told me to go away.
So much good in my life. So much happiness and friendship and love. I laugh to think of how blessed I am, but that doesn't equal an inability to feel deep and crushing sadness. I can be grateful for my blessings and still yearn for that which I cannot have.
Speaking of blessings, Listen To Your Mother is scheduled to be on the NBC Nightly News at 5:30 CST tonight (Friday) AND possibly on the Today show tomorrow (Saturday) morning. If you are anxious to get a glimpse of the show I adore as it is seen through the eyes of a tv editor, please tune in and then be sure to tell me how awesome it is. I would not be opposed to being told that LTYM is amazing a few more times.
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