It's scary to feel in early November the way that I usually feel in mid-March.* Knowing how much colder and darker it will get in the encroaching months of bleakness kind of makes my stomach churn.
Being able to pinpoint the impetus behind a fluctuating mood helps...a bit. It only helps a "bit" because the factors that are in power of my mind's balance aren't really negotiable. It's a non-negotiable fact that I have 3 kids that are very active, which require me to spend a majority of my waking hours just driving and waiting. It's a fact that I have a husband whose job tends to pull him away from our house for lengthy business trips. He's my best friend and best source of support and life just doesn't feel balanced when he's gone. It's a fact that I am having issues with a few of my own character and body flaws, none of which are really things that I can "do" anything about. I can't become younger, or less gray-haired, or ever look much better than I do today.
All of these facts are clear-cut and easy for me to diagnose as half of my problem with my current state of mind. The other half is the lack of motivation that is a side effect of being mildly depressed. Having a lack of motivation in March is something I'm used to and something I can handle. I know how to make things work and meditate and delclutter my life in March so that I can be whole again in April and May.
But it's only November.
I'm not so sure how I'm going to make it through the winter if I'm feeling like March when it's only November.
*If I'm being perfectly honest, I've been feeling like March since August, but the sunshine and air and dirt of this summer was medicine enough to alleviate the gloom and doom. It's harder to be cheerful when the sky is dark before supper.
**Not a danger to myself. Don't worry. I'm just really, really empty.
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