I choose to call them "Creative"

"Mommy, I want to make a bow and arrow!"

I snickered behind my hand because there is NO WAY he could make an arrow fly with a bow made out of yarn, a stick and Scotch tape, right?
The joke's on me. Those suckers FLEW! Nobody lost an eye so the whole experiment was successful.

Zoom in.

My kids' sentence structure needs a little work, but the creativity is there...
This is what happens when you leave my kids in the backyard unattended for hours on end. They will devise (with the help of a few friends) a zip line made from yarn and a plastic golf club tube.

A zip line. From YARN. Let that one sink in.

Again, no one was hurt (not even my trees!) and they had a BLAST so I can chalk it up to a GOOD day.

For fun, enlarge the last photo. See the lovely "Christmas decorations" on my trees? Decorations that include wiffle balls, light sabers, and other outdoor toys tied to the trees with yarn?

3 weeks later and it's still up. I think we'll just wait for the real Christmas and pretend it was purposeful.

Sunday Inquiry

Ahhhh... A lazy Sunday. Patrick and Justin are playing a football game on the Xbox. Corinne and Evan are outside playing. The last time I looked out there, they had a game of some sort that involved a stick, the sandbox that is filled with icy water and a football. They're having a good time, so I didn't ask any questions.

But I do have a question for you; How much freedom do you allow your children? I mean, my kids are 11, 7 (almost 8) and 4. They have access to our backyard and that of 2 neighbors and are allowed a certain freedom of our own street. Evan and Justin can go to locations in our neighborhood that are out of sight and shouting distance as long as they ask first. We aren't close to any stores that they can walk or ride to on their own, but Justin is allowed to walk through a grocery store or department store to find items because he has proven that he's fairly responsible for himself. I am trying to raise my kids to become adults who are able to take care of themselves and not be afraid of the world. I am trying to teach them how to enjoy life and all that is available for them. How can they be adventurous and confident in themselves if they are never able to take steps on their own?

So, I'm curious. I'm interested to know the ratio of parents that read my blog. Are you one to hold them close or one to let them explore?*


* No judgment on either method of parenting. Just wondering...

Playground Hierarchy

Originally posted at the former Chicago Moms Blog on July 24, 2009

Playground Hierarchy

Be nice. Share. Be friends. Say you're sorry.

Our children have these phrases repeated to them DAILY. If we must work so hard to pound an idea into their minds, might there be some validity in the thought that this natural "pecking order" is not only natural, but a healthy part of the maturing process? Without having the chance to "be nice" or mean on our own, or share or hog, how does a child develop the backbone that is required to survive as an adult?

I distinctly recall my first chance to be a hero. My sister, only 2 years younger than I but always substantially shorter than her peers, was at the playground in the church yard behind our home. Only 5 or 6 years old at the time, she was also one of the youngest children in the gang of kids that ruled our block. Her choices for friends were usually those that were not only older than she was, but also physically bigger, as well. I watched from my yard as she was repeatedly pushed down by our "friends" over what was surely a typical childhood fight. The emotions that swirled through my 8 year old body can easily resurface in my 33 year old one at just the thought of that scene from long ago.

Furious and indignant that ANYone (other than myself) would push my little sister down and make her cry, I stomped across the field, shouting that they leave her alone. Not even phased at my shouts and threats, they finally said,

"Who's gonna make us?"

"ME!"

And, with that, I pulled back and threw my very first (and last) punch.

I knocked that little twerp right to the ground where she landed on the sand beside my crying sister.

"Hit her back, Suzie!" yelled her father from their yard where he had apparently witnessed part of the situation.

Thankfully, the stunned Suzie backed off and ran home, leaving me to face down the other girl, one of my "best" friends. She simply shrugged and walked away, leaving me to take my sister's hand and walk her back home. The adrenaline still rushing through my scrawny body, I was petrified to tell my mom what had happened, but knew I had to before Suzie's dad came over with his own version. Instead of the punishment I thought I would receive, my mom proudly hugged me for defending my sister. For standing up for what was right. She clued me in to my first real life lesson: standing up for yourself and for those who can't help themselves feels good.

If we had been fully supervised, as children generally are today, the situation would have gone a totally different direction. Not only would my sister not have been pushed more than once, I also wouldn't have had a chance to prove my devotion to her. If the moms had been monitoring all of our activities, then the children would have been forced to "be friends" with each other.

I don't believe that monitoring our kids is a bad idea. If anything, having parents nearby helps kids remember that they DO need to be nice to each other. And if they can't "be nice" then to go home and do something else until they CAN be nice. However, I also believe that too much interference is doing a huge disservice to our children. Without the opportunity to choose to be mean or nice, to defend someone or to stand aside and watch, our kids are deprived of the character building skills that all of us from different generations take for granted. Most kids that come to my yard are actually shocked when another child is unkind to them! Running up to my back door, they indignantly spout off all of the injustices that they perceive happened to them. Expecting me to march out and solve the problem, these children are generally open-mouthed when I tell them (after making sure that no one was truly physically HURT) to figure it out themselves.

It doesn't take long. They either figure it out or find someone else to play with. But they always come back. And with a greater understanding of what it takes to get along in a group. Hopefully, an ability that will grow with them throughout the rest of their lives...

How Free Range are YOU?

"Miss Tracey! So and so did thiiissss!!"

"Miss Tracey! He was mean to me!"

"She pushed me! He called me a name! Whine! Whine! Tattle! Tattle!"

OY VEY!!

Seriously, kids. Figure. It. Out. As long as no punches are being thrown, and no one is being verbally abused, DON'T BOTHER ME. I am studiously examining the kitchen tiles or marveling at the color of my coffee. I cannot and will not take sides or be drawn into every petty little argument the children of the neighborhood will undoubtably have.

Remember when we were all little? I grew up on a block of 10 or 12 houses, almost all with kids living in them. We had a church with fields that backed up to our yards and no one had fences. We knew every nook and cranny of that field, the baseball dugout, small hill, church parking lot, and pine trees. When we argued (and OH! Did we argue!) we either figured it out or stomped home, proving how angry we were, only to return to playing later that day.

My own kids have a smaller world to explore. (Though I am constantly reminding Justin that he is allowed to go on bike rides or walk to the park! He is hesitant about venturing into the wilds of our suburban neighborhood...) Our backyard backs up onto the yards of 2 of our close friends and neighbors. Between the 3 houses, there are 11 kids to play with (well, 10 kids. 1 is a tiny baby!). It is INEVITABLE that they will be on top of each other at times. It is inevitable that they will feel cramped and closed in. But it is what it is. They need to play together and be nice to each other. They need to get through their disagreements or take a break.

The worst thing about all of this togetherness, though? The tattling.

I. Hate. Unnecessary. Tattling.

My response to "He's mean! She's not being nice! He's a bully! Blah blah blah!" is something along these lines:

"You are ALL mean sometimes. Remember how it feels and be NICE instead. I am not here to take sides, guys. Figure it out or everyone go home."

This usually kills the conversation. Once they realize I won't take sides, or will make them all go home, the argument either ends or they go home. Since our yard is the only one with a swingset, sandbox, playhouse, random toys scattered about and even trees? They usually figure it out.

Not all parents are happy with this approach. Some feel I should be stepping in to break up the tiffs, and regulate the turns on the swings to avoid anyone's feelings getting "hurt."

Well, guess what? Sometimes, in life? You don't get a turn on the swing. Your feelings get hurt. And you walk home feeling upset. Who among us didn't have their heart broken that their best buddy in the world told them they were Never playing with them again? Who among us didn't grow a bit wiser and stronger from that situation? Maybe, just maybe, we learned a smidge about negotiating turns, and listening to different ideas? Maybe, just maybe, we understood a bit better that not everyone will want to play/talk/dress/learn the same way? Perhaps we were on the way to gaining life skills that would benefit us in adulthood? If an adult were to be watching out for me every time I had to stand up for myself, where would I be today?

I am loving Lenore Skenazy's site, Free Range Kids. The basis is pretty simple. Freedom for our kids like we had growing up. Ignoring the fearmongering of the media and letting our kids LIVE their lives instead of placing safety cushions all around them, just in case they fall. Letting them have those moments of pride when they do something themselves. Giving them the benefit of the doubt (based upon their skills and maturity) that they can make the right decision, all by themselves.

I may not be able to give my kids much monetarily, but if I can give them independence and confidence? THAT will be something which will stick with them for the rest of their lives.