I think someone's been sniffing the nail polish a little too much...

"Hi, I received a gift card for your salon and I'd like to know how to use it."

"Oh, yes. You can use it here."

"Yesss.... I know that, but I'd like to schedule a day at the spa and some treatments. I've never been to your spa before. Do you need the card number or something? Are you the person I talk to set up appointments?"

"Oh, sure; I can help you. Go ahead and read the number off."

"Ok. 1234567."

"Yes, that card is worth $200. Thank you!" and she starts to hang up.

"WAIT! I want to schedule an appointment, and need to know what dates are available for the treatments I'd like to have done!"

"Ooohhh.... Ok."

Silence.

"Soooo, um, do I just tell you what I want done and you tell me if someone is available...or....?"

"What procedures do you want done?"

"I'd like the Swedish massage, the aromatherapy facial, and the eye treatment. I think I will still have some money left over after all of that, is that right?"

"Your gift card will definitely cover all of that. Thank you!" She starts to hang up AGAIN.

"WAIT!!! I need to actually schedule an appointment for those procedures!!"

"Oooohhhh! Ok. Um, when?"

Sigh.

"I am free on next Sunday. What are your hours?"

She proceeds to list off all of the hours they are open and closed starting on Mondays and finally ending on Sunday hours.

"Ok, so do you have time to fit all of the procedures I asked about in on next Sunday? If I come in at 11?"

"What procedures did you want done?"

HOLY SHIT.

I swear to God, I am scared that I will arrive and they won't even be open that day. I am definitely going to call ahead, and hope to hell that someone else answers the phone.

Small, Medium and Large

Want to feel good about yourself? Bring my daughter along when you go shopping for new clothes.

I cannot be the only one who unconsciously shudders when she hears that phrase, "shopping for new clothes."

My problem is I still think I am a size 6 when I go shopping. I pick out the appropriately sized clothing when they are, well, APPROPRIATELY SIZED and not some generic Small, Medium or Large. If it has a number on it, I promise you, I am picking the correct number. But for some reason, some women's stores still see fit to use the Small, Medium, or Large sizing method. So MY problem is quite actually the STORES' problem, but they haven't responded to my indignant stares as of yet.

I digress.

There are few things more pathetic than a 38 year old woman who is in a dressing room, holding back tears because "oh no! My thighs are dimply and larger than they were pre-children! Boo-hoo! I don't look like an athletic 23 year old because (SHOCKER) I am neither 23 nor athletic!"

I am not proud to say that I was that misty-eyed-38-year-old-woman recently. On a whim of a shopping trip with Patrick and Corinne, I said "I need a bathing suit." Patrick, being the man that he is said, "You sure do! Buy one! Buy two! You deserve it!" and promptly took Corinne off to small appliances to find an electrical can opener*.

I actually had to take a deep breath before I went into the dressing room. I may have taken several deep breaths, to be honest. I mean, the lights. The mirrors. The inappropriately-sized Small, Medium, and Large. (shudders) AND, to top it all off, my husband had stolen my finder of different bathing suit sizes! That meant that when I tried on the promising halter-top one piece with shirring on the waist (shirring is your friend after 3 children), I had no one around to rescue me and find it in something other than the inappropriate size I had chosen. That meant that I could either get completely dressed again (including an acrobatic dance to don my 21 year old Converse shoes that are tricky to get on) and SEE if I could find it in a larger size (sob) or that I could simply sit down in the Target dressing room and tweet about how pathetic I was.

I tweeted.

It was truly pathetic.

I can't be rude to sales people, so I made sure to hang up all of those stupidly-sized suits; I ran so fast from Target that I probably burned off enough calories to fit into the smaller suits. (Wouldn't that be fantastic?)

And then we went to Kohl's instead and I held onto that size-finder-child while Patrick wandered off to look for a men's bathing suit since Summer is a-coming!

If ever you need someone to shop with, my 8 year old is the person to take along. She's honest but sweet and says things like "This is a fun pattern!" and  "That looks so cute on you!" even though your curves have taken on a life of their own in the past few years.

We knocked that store apart. She helped me find not only a bathing suit (with shirring!) but also 2 pairs of shorts and a sundress. It was still painful, but way less tempting to cry when there is an impressionable 2nd grader just outside the door. Not wanting to pass along my own body issues, I did my best to spin the negative comments in my head into something she hopefully won't translate into "my mom thinks she's fat." (FYI, I don't think I'm fat. I just think I'm an out of shape 38 year old woman. My size and shape are fine-I just wish I was a little less....soft).

Patrick returned just as we were finishing up my selections. I was still bummed so he cheered me up with Oberweis ice cream. Makes perfect sense if you think about it.

A glimpse...

 I was chopping carrots and cucumbers for a salad the other day and asked the kids if they wanted a few slices. Their eyes bugged out when they saw the cucumber slices. My children have a love/hate relationship with cukes. They love 'em. Then they hate 'em. Apparently, we were on a "love" cycle so I doled out several slices and continued with salad preparations, convinced that I was a fabulous mother whose children ate VEGETABLES for SNACKS.

Grabbing the raspberry vinaigrette and a bowl, I turned to sit at the kitchen table and saw this:

 What? Where did they learn this?

 Also, what is all over her mouth? Chocolate pudding?
FAIL on the healthy eating, after all...

  Truth be told, they DID eat the cucumbers (and carrots!) once they were done with their "spa day". And Evan said the cucumbers made reciting his spelling words much easier to concentrate...

 Just for kicks, I decided to include a few more weird pics of what homeschooling looks like in our house. Corinne not only continued her study of the Iroquois beading project we were doing in co-op, but also did so with a... headdress?

Their block city. Complete with cell towers and exotic zoo and security cameras and recycling facility...

BONUS is the glimpse of ME in the background. You lucky, lucky ducks.

Take a Break

Me and my girls, taking a break...

It's a busy week for us with sleepovers and Fourth of July and fireworks and barbeques and birthday parties and prepping for a surprise trip to the Dells with the kids (shhhh. Don't tell them.). How about I just commit to taking a week off from blogging, hmm? Maybe you'd like some posts from way back when? Maybe you'd appreciate knowing that this is one place you can mark off of your checklist of "things to do".

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July. I am so grateful to the men and women who fought 236 years ago for our freedom to be our own country.

Would you like some Fries with that?

"What time is it? Holy cow! It's 3:50! Let's go! Let's Go!"

I hate it when we're rushed like that. Now that Corinne has gymnastics at 4:30, twice a week, we are often heading out of our house just as the neighborhood kids are heading home from school. Being that I like to be early and never late, I usually allow extra time for unforseen situations.

"Mommy, are these the only granola bars we have for our snack?" Evan asked as he rummaged through the van while we cruised down the highway. I glanced back and, sure enough, they were the almond bars that he hates, NOT the peanut bars that he likes.

"Damn. I am so sorry, Evan! Ummm... Maybe we can stop at McDonald's really quickly for a dollar menu item, ok?" His face was so bummed. He loves those peanut granola bars and I totally spaced and grabbed Justin's almond box. I cannot be perfect, every moment of every day, folks.

"Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like to try a value meal?"

"No thanks. One sec, please!" stage whisper to the backseat, "Guys, WHAT do you want?!? Come on! We have to hurry and they're waiting!"

They hemmed. They hawed. They drove me up the wall.

"Can I have a McFlurry?"

"Hell no. I am not paying for a McFlurry. You can have a sandwich or a shake. DECIDE."

"Fine, I'll have a vanilla shake, I guess." (Said like I was forcing him to eat dirt.)

"Ok, Corinne. Your turn. Come on, Corinne! Decide!"

"I'd like a Shamrock shake."

"They don't have those anymore."

"Yes they do, Mommy."

"NO, they don't! Pick vanilla or chocolate."

"They DO have Shamrock Shakes!"

"I swear to you, Corinne; the shakes aren't here anymore. They're seasonal. Pick a different flavor!!"

"MomMEEE, they DO have Shamrock shakes!!!! I know because..."

"CORINNE. THEY DO NOT HAVE SHAMROCK SHAKES! PICK VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE OR YOU GET NOTHING!!!"

My vein is pulsing on my forehead. Tears are in her eyes. The tension in the van is high and, just as the crying (mine and hers) was about to begin, the drive-thru speaker crackled to life.

"Excuse me? Ma'am? I'm sorry. I don't mean to interrupt, but, well, we do have Shamrock Shakes."


(Oh. My. God.)

"You're kidding me. Ah,heh, heh. Great...Ah, we'd like a small Shamrock shake, too, please."

The kids are giggling. I am mortified. The cashier doesn't make eye contact with me as I pass her my cash.

It's days like these that I remember how very important it is to carefully pack our snacks.

My morning, thus far

"EvAN! Stop it!"

"YOU stop!"

"No! YOU!"

insert much whining and screaming followed by a thud and a smack and then much louder screaming, culminating in the final trump card of,

"Mommmyyyyy!!!! He HIT me!"

"She kicked me, first!"

Damnit. I was trying my best to remain hidden up here in my cave. I even left the lights off and am sitting beside the bed, out of the line of sight from the door; hoping to retain this solitude a tiny bit longer.

I saved my email and began to get up only to notice that the screaming had stopped. This can mean several options:

a. they've moved on from the argument and are ignoring each other.
b. they've moved on from the argument and are playing again.
c. they're still arguing, but have each other around the neck and can no longer utter any sounds
d. everyone is unconscious.

Seeing how it's a 50/50 chance of a Learning Lesson outcome, I remain upstairs and cross my fingers that I can squeeze 20 more minutes out of this shadowy, vacant room. I type away furiously, hoping to write Something Worthwhile and am treated to another conversation, drifting up the staircase:

"Hey Evan! Wanna do this look and search book with me?"

"Sure!"

Seriously? They're seriously past whatever situation was so infuriating just 3 minutes ago that they're now all hunky-dory, best-buddies just eating microwave sausage and looking and searching together?!?

How do kids do this? I wish I wish I wish that adults had the ability to forgive and forget so easily.

Then again, they were nearly killing each other over the RIGHT to open a box of sausage BY THEMSELVES, so maybe adoring the simplicity of a child isn't without its faults?

"No!"

"YES!"

"It's MY turn!"

"I saw it FIRST!!"

Ah. The cycle continues.

Happy Times, my dears. Happy, happy times...

RAN.dum.

Dang. Has it been a full week again since my last post? Seriously? Well, shoot. Here's some stuff we did since last Thursday, in no particular order other than it is popping into my verrry tired brain:

~ Visited Bass Pro Shops to visit Santa and found out that the ONLY thing that my 6 year old asked him for was a "make up kit" which is the ONLY thing that Santa didn't know she wanted. Naturally. (FYI, Bass Pro Shops has a FABULOUS winter wonderland set up. Free pictures, free kids' meals, free games and crafts...)

~ Visited The Museum of Science and Industry along with about 40 bajillion other kids and their school field trips resulting in waaaaay too many children with waaaaaaay too little supervision and waaaaaay too much noise for my eldest's sensitivities. Especially since he was hungry. Never a good combination. Needless to say, it wasn't our best trip to MSI. Still, we played with our homeschooling co-op friends and the youngest 2 seemed to have a blast. Not a total bust, I guess... Exhausting? Yes.~ Fixed the damn lights on the damn tree. Again. And yet? There is still a strand that is out. It's in the back of the tree, though, so I'm pretty positive that this tree decorator is hanging up her gloves...

~ pinched my neck in a, ah, private moment with my husband. This resulted in having to move verrrry slowly for an entire day and then deal with a splitting headache this morning as a result of not moving all freaking night. Seriously, this "aging gracefully" shit is for the birds. Or it's at least for people who know how to be intimate without getting into awkward positions.*


~ Was featured in Mommypage.com. Well, that didn't really require any work, persay, I wrote that info page a long time ago. But still. I was FEATURED. It should count on lists of things accomplished. I liked to read it, mainly because I am super tan in the bio pic I sent them. Sigh... I miss sunshine.

~ Drove to Legoland! Notice I said "Drove to" Legoland and not "visited" Legoland. This is what happens when you don't visit the website and check the hours. You'll end up walking up to the doors as the doors are LOCKING. And you'll have some superbly devastated children who can only be persuaded to be Happy Little Elves once again by visiting the nearby Rainforest Cafe. Legoland is open for YOU, though! CHECK THEIR HOURS. They are all decked out for the holidays. (Or so I hear....)

~ Did my all day shopping extravaganza. It was everything I'd dreamed it would be and MORE. 6 hours of uninterrupted, child-free, shopping bliss. I say "uninterrupted" because I don't have a cell phone and couldn't be contacted every 45 minutes to see how long I'd be gone. I don't have a cell phone because I am way too cool for that.**

~ Lived it up with various other over-30 folks at a White Elephant party. Went there with some very cheesy romance novels and an unopened Security light and returned home with an extremely cool, avocado green party dish set. You'll have to see it to understand why I liked it so much that I made Patrick steal it.

~ Did the usual runs to and from karate twice, gymnastics and dance classes. Managed to not catch the cold that seems to be residing in every 9 and under's mucus membranes.

~ Answered a FEW emails, but truly, I am perpetually struggling to get on the internet thankyouverymuchJustin.

~ Was continued to be amazed at the brilliance of my children. My 6 year old who is reading Stuart Little. My 9 year old who is just ABSORBING the American Sign Language studies he's jumped right into. My 12 year old who informed me that he spent 2 hours on the computer, getting rid of some virus or something by looking for the directions on the internet. They're all freaking geniuses, and I absolutely AM bragging!

~ Smiled whenever I found a hidden message left by my daughter. I love that she uses hearts in her alphabet. It's such a sweet reminder that we're doing SOMEthing right in our raising of them...

*Don't tell the kids, though: I told them I must have hurt my neck when I was Christmas shopping for them.


**Actually, it's because I'm too lazy to pay a bill and too cheap to pay it when I REMEMBER, so my Pay As You Go phone just kind of gathers dust on my counter top...

Just Another Blog Post

I was sighing a happy little sound of pleasure as I lowered myself into my desk chair with a steaming cup of coffee. And then, as seems lately typical, I promptly dumped the entire mug across my computer desk. Soaked everything, including the computer. Awesome.

Silving lining: I had a towel RIGHT THERE (because my kids don't like to put towels away) and was able to clean it up before any damage (besides another stain on the carpet) was done.

TAKE TWO.

Ahhhh... Coffee. In my mouth. Working its magic.

The season is most definitely Fall and I am loving every minute of it. I took Corinne on a bike ride yesterday to look at spooky houses and crunch through the leaves. She has gotten SO good at her bike riding! I cannot believe this is the same child who, a month ago, hadn't ridden her bike with its training wheels most of the summer. And now I have to force her and Evan to come inside after 1 or 2 hours of "p.e." to do math! They're clever, those two. They'll see me clearing the table, setting up the books, and they're out the door to practice their two-wheelers. They know how much I encourage them to be active. With the winter right around the corner, they need to be out of the house as much as possible NOW before the weather dictates what we cannot do.

Speaking of places to be other than right in my face, jumping up and down, driving me bat-crazy... We cleaned the basement! Again! Which means we should be receiving a flood down there within the next 2-3 weeks. So we have about 3 weeks to enjoy it! Huzzah. Thankfully, I did get a monumental amount of organizing and pitching done, with most of the focus being on elevating EVERYthing. And even though we didn't have any new shelving to elevate upon, I used the closet doors that we took out of Corinne's room (don't ask) and balanced them upon plastic bins. Voila! Instant shelving. I felt remarkably clever and thrifty. Even Patrick, who hates that I save big pieces of wood for "no apparent reason", was impressed. Never doubt me again, my dear.

That's about a wrap. Just me talking to the computer without any purpose or direction in mind. Maybe I can distract you with a photo?40 points if you can name that spooky creature and how Corinne made it...