Monday, May 12, 2014

Kowabunga

There are times when I wonder if my children will someday say that they hope to be a better mother than I am(was). I don't claim to be a perfect mom. I don't even often claim to be a "good" mom. I'm ok. I love them a lot. A WHOLE LOT. But I am a person and I want things and time and space and freedom...just like they do. There are moments when you really step back and look around at the people in your life and think
Holy shit; you all feel about 23 and confused inside too, don't you? You probably wonder about the futility of cleaning the house and painting the walls. I am most definitely not alone in this pondering about the importance of a moment compared to the magnitude of eternity.

Will they remember me for my mistakes and faults as "their mother" or will they understand that my being their mother is not the sole purpose of my life? Will they fall into the trap of believing that their purpose in life is to be a Perfect Parent? An unattainable and pointless goal-will that be their fate?

I am so distracted. The leaves are blowing with that gusty-humid wind that often signifiies either a glorious spring storm or a potential tornado. Both are reasons to pay attention to the weather channel, but I am still...distracted. The kids keep changing their clothing to accommodate this sudden onslaught of heat and sticky-thick air. Thankfully, our humidity-induced-headaches have been relieved; I may just become a supporter of aspirin, after all.

I desperately want for someone to come and take everything. Leave us each 3 outfits, a few books, and a couple of computers. Make sure we have lots of cups because we really drink a lot of water and lemonade and coffee around here. The rest... The rest can go. I am done with this overflow of belongings. I am overwhelmed and overburdened and overflowing and done.

It's only somewhat comforting to understand that I am so incredibly emotional because of hormones. I mean, it's helpful to hold this knowledge, and to be able to look at my calendar and nod in understanding as my outlook on life does a backflip. It doesn't mean that the Crazy isn't Real. It just means I know to take the restlessness and anxiety with a grain of salt and an extra nap or two. One thing I do know about myself is that this will pass and I will feel lighter again. I won't try to fight the lows. It's not worth the effort and actually seems to make it last longer. I just surf the waves of emotions instead.


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