Oh how I long for less and more and less and more...
Less...
stress
responsibilities
debt
confusion
gray hair
booty
More...
freedom
time
sleep
money
gratitude
peace
boobs
Feeling especially low right now. Why? Everyone is home. We've eaten. I even have a glass of wine (though it's red instead of white which is fine and I'm not complaining but, well. It's red.) (But thank you honey! It's the thought that counts!) My family's in the other room and I want to go be with them but I don't want anyone to ask me to do anything or find anything or wipe/switch/fix anything. I just want. To. Be. Still.
I finished a painting for my mom today. It's small and I'm sure she'll appreciate it and the effort it took but when I stepped back and evaluated it, all I could see were the colors that weren't rich enough, shapes that weren't sharp enough, and the way it looks as though a 12 year old did it. Which would be fine if that were my intention which, sadly, it was not. So. Merry Christmas, eh? So much for making gifts and trying to use what I have available to let people know I love and appreciate them, even though I can't purchase anything for them.
Damn. So much for following my desire to be grateful for what I've got, eh? This usually happens to me. I think I post overtly grateful, "I'm gonna make the best of this situation", Suzy Sunshine posts when I'm on the verge of crashing into a pit of self-pity. I do believe it's my last-ditch attempt to pull myself away from the pathetic mess that I can sense is on the horizon.
I am he is you are he is you are me and we are all together...
Yeah. That about sums up my brain and is playing on Across the Universe in the other room. I best go watch it with my family and try to force this low the hell out of my head....
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8 comments:
Sigh. I hate it when it's like that. Offering no platitudes.
I think that is just what it means to be alive. Thankful...wanting more...wanting less. Well done...you speak for all of us! Come on by sometime...Holly at lifelaughlatte.blogspot.com
Someone told me this week "it won't always be like this". That helped me, mostly. Maybe it will help you too. I hope so. Or, maybe your mind will go where mine did for a teeny second and say 'yeah, it may get worse', but then I squashed it and did my best not to go there. :)
No great answers, just understanding.
I've been there, my friend. I'm hoping this passes quickly.
I understand those feelings. Especially the painting thing. I think homemade from the heart gifts mean so much, but they are way more stressful. There's a whole lot more of you in them, and you worry so much more that the recipient won't really like it. I bet she will love it, though.
I think I'm going to print out that first part of your post and blow it up and put that on my vision board. I hope tomorrow is better for you.
I feel like I'm in a funk too -- hormonal? I think that may be part of my problem, also: I.have.no.time.to.myself....none.at.all!! I get up in the AM to the cries of a baby, jump in the shower with my daughter waiting for me, drop the kids off, go to work, pick them up, make dinner, put them to bed and do it all again the next day. I.need.a.BREAK!
I know we don't live close....but, you can bring your kids over for a 'leaf raking' experiement next week and go grab a cup of coffee and some silence alone if you want!
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