Monday, November 02, 2009

Drinking Shiraz with a Walrus...

Oh how I long for less and more and less and more...


gray hair



Feeling especially low right now. Why? Everyone is home. We've eaten. I even have a glass of wine (though it's red instead of white which is fine and I'm not complaining but, well. It's red.) (But thank you honey! It's the thought that counts!) My family's in the other room and I want to go be with them but I don't want anyone to ask me to do anything or find anything or wipe/switch/fix anything. I just want. To. Be. Still.

I finished a painting for my mom today. It's small and I'm sure she'll appreciate it and the effort it took but when I stepped back and evaluated it, all I could see were the colors that weren't rich enough, shapes that weren't sharp enough, and the way it looks as though a 12 year old did it. Which would be fine if that were my intention which, sadly, it was not. So. Merry Christmas, eh? So much for making gifts and trying to use what I have available to let people know I love and appreciate them, even though I can't purchase anything for them.

Damn. So much for following my desire to be grateful for what I've got, eh? This usually happens to me. I think I post overtly grateful, "I'm gonna make the best of this situation", Suzy Sunshine posts when I'm on the verge of crashing into a pit of self-pity. I do believe it's my last-ditch attempt to pull myself away from the pathetic mess that I can sense is on the horizon.

I am he is you are he is you are me and we are all together...

Yeah. That about sums up my brain and is playing on Across the Universe in the other room. I best go watch it with my family and try to force this low the hell out of my head....
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