Evanisms at 12

I was minding my own business, watching some fluff tv while I folded laundry on our bed, when Evan walked in and flopped down beside me.

"Sometimes I think it's really hard for you and Daddy to not choose me as the favorite child."

"Excuse me???" I sputtered.

"I just cleaned off the entire kitchen table and neither Corinne or Justin helped and you didn't even remind me. It's hard to not choose me as the favorite, isn't it?"

~~

We were outside the other night, enjoying the starry night around our firepit. I needed to give the coals some more kindling to ignite the damp wood, but, midway through my poking and prodding, the roll of cardboard I was maneuvering fell off in the wrong spot. 

"Shit!"

"What's wrong?" Patrick asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing. Nevermind."

"Oh, so was that just a random 'shit'?" he laughed.

Evan interjected with, "DUH, Daddy, don't you even know this woman?!?"

~~

This kid. If you have a few free minutes and want a giggle or two, might I suggest you browse through Evanisms through the years...?

Enjoy. 

Evanisms, 2011 edition

"Evanisms" are the stuff that comes out of Evan's mouth that just makes us laugh and laugh (which is good because oftentimes, we were pretty close to throttling him!)

~~~

"Do you mind if I swear when we go down the first drop of the Millennium Force? It might slip out, and I don't want to get in trouble."

~~~

"Daddy, Justin had 2 girls over after homeschool club. But don't worry; it wasn't romantic. I mean, look at this, Daddy," (lifts the Dungeons and Dragons books over his head) "...does THIS look romantic to YOU?"

~~~

"You're not old, Daddy. They say that 40 is the new 20."

~~~

Moments after an incident in which his younger cousin collided with a bookshelf, resulting in lots of crying, finger pointing, and confusion. Patrick pulled a crying Evan upstairs to get his side of the story:

"Ok, Evan. Tell me everything that happened."

Evan's face scrunches up, "You mean from the minute they got here?"

Current Evanisms...

"Witty" is one word to describe my 8 year old, Evan.

Sarcastic, comical, quick-tongued? Yes, yes and Yes.

I desperately wish that I were able to record every phrase that escapes from his mouth; his comedy alone would elevate my blog's readership by the thousands...

~~~~

While discussing Pat's upcoming birthday details:

"Daddy, you can NOT have a surprise party for your 40th birthday!"

"Why not?"

"You can NOT handle that kind of surprise at your age! Can you say 'heart attack'?"

~~~~

Wednesday evening on the couch in front of the Xbox. Evan is shooting zombies left and right. Guts are flying at the screen and he is joyfully squealing at their demise. Never tearing his eyes from the television, he raises his eyebrows maniacally and murmurs:

"Your son is enjoying this way too much. Mom and Dad: Should you be worried about your son? Oooohhh yesssss...."

He continues to murder the undead* while Patrick and I choke on our popcorn.

~~~~




*Oxymoron? Can one murder that which is already dead? Are zombies dead? They're "undead" so that would imply that they AREN'T dead, right? Somebody 'splain.

Evanisms

While reading about the Runaway Bunny going flying away on a trapeze...
Evan - Remember when I went on one of those?
Me - One of what?
Evan - A flying Japanese. You know at that one house...
Me - A flying WHAT? Oh. You mean a trapeze. (much snorting and choking and hysteria follow, picturing my aunt and uncle's basement equipped with, instead of a trapeze, well, a very angry man...)

While falling asleep as I lay with my hand on his chest, watching his breaths become deeper and further apart...
Evan - (suddenly, after a yawn) Mommy, what is that stuff called that you spray in your mouth?
Me - Huh?
Evan - You know, that stuff a boy sprays in his mouth when he's dating a girl...
Me - (again, choking on laughter) Breath spray?? Where did you see THAT?
Evan - Oh, some show. (damn Disney's Drake and Josh...)


This kid is a riot. You know, when he's not antagonizing his sister. I swear, if I hear "Nooooo Evie! Nooooo Evie!!!" One more time from her, I'm gonna snap and, and, and DO something. That's for sure. Something mean. Or, or... yeah. Somethin...

But they sure were cute painting with sidewalk chalk paint (which, FYI does NOT wash off well from blacktop. At all.) and I got lots of pictures that I'm sure I'll post in December, but I'll try to link back to this topic then, kay? Trust me. They were messy piles of cuteness.
---
It really sucks when your husband is out of town and there's some strange clicking sound in the front hall and you don't want to investigate too closely, cuz it might be a cricket that comes flying out and into your hair... Oh, what to do, what to do....

--

Hey, quick update on a big recall of Fisher Price/Mattel toys. The sale dates are recent, but check it out to be sure.

Christmas 2016

2 days till Christmas... I have cried every day for at least the past 2 weeks, knowing that it's going to suck. I just want to DO IT ALREADY and put this check mark on my to-do list of "things to get through for the first time without Dad." I'm hoping that the expectations are worse than the actual experiences; kind of like childbirth. (hahahahahaa. That was a joke because HOLY SHIT, childbirth was kind of like the 7th circle of hell) (But I'd do it again in a heartbeat because the reward is pretty freaking awesome).

2016 has been kind of a collection of AMAZINGLY AWESOME moments mixed in with pain unlike anything I'd ever considered possible. I had some of the best experiences, including a surprise 40th birthday party, a long-awaited dream trip to New Orleans with Patrick, a special 10th birthday trip with Corinne and a surprise trip to L.A. with Justin, and just so much joy, that you would think 2016 would have gone down as The Best. But then LTYM announced it was ending, a dear friend moved away, my child had some serious friend issues, a special little girl was diagnosed with a life changing condition, another special girl nearly died and continues to struggle every day, the Anti-Christ was elected the president of our country, my dad went through 4 months of hell before dying a week before Thanksgiving... it's just been a little too much Bad to balance out the Good.

I'm trying, though. I'm trying to focus on everything I have that makes me happy...

Evan is playing rock music on his electric guitar as I type, and that brings me joy. He's so talented and is really dedicated to it. I love to see him excelling in music. As usual, he continues to revel in his role as the family clown, and his jokes/wit have actually gotten me through some pretty crappy moments this year. One of his "Evanisms" of 2016: "Whoa, you put up a lot of Christmas lights! I guess you could say our house is pretty 'lit.' " (executed with an awesome sense of timing and tone.) I wish I had had enough forethought to record more of them as I have in the past, but life has just been about survival lately. It's enough to remember that his humor has helped me immensely.

Corinne has truly matured this year, in academics and athletics, but also in her kindness and heart. Seeing her grow into such a lovely young lady is both rewarding and heartbreaking. One of her greatest strengths is her generosity and understanding of what others need in a moment of difficulty. She is still our baby and is happiest when the entire family is home, eating dinner together.

This is Justin's last Christmas as a "kid." For years, I thought my focus this year would be on how sad I am over his impending adulthood status, but instead, I am just happy that the five of us are here and healthy and relatively happy. I am so grateful that he has found a niche of people at school and in the gaming community to connect with. Seeing him excel at League of Legends (it's a computer game that is an eSport. Don't ask me to explain it to you) was something akin to watching your child who played an outdoor sport for their whole childhood finally be recognized in public for their skills. I've yet to meet an adult who doesn't say to me "He's a really cool person!" Also, Justin is an AMAZING cook. Like, holy crap, how did we not know this about him? I honestly cannot stress how much pride I take in his culinary skills. I have great hopes for him and for our future family dinners at his house. :)

~~~

Wish us luck this weekend. My intention is to let the sadness in, grieve for him and send him love, and then to enjoy and be present in the moments I have with the people I love. Hug your loved ones this holiday season. Look into their eyes and tell them you love them - let them see you and actually hear you. Take the mental snapshots of the joy, even in the midst of the pain.

I am blessed. Merry Christmas to you all.

More Evanisms...

Though he may drive me absolutely insane with his constant chatter and ability to ignore me until I am reduced to shouting, only to hysterically weep at being yelled at, he is pretty damn funny...

Said as we were cleaning up our gear after a soccer game,

"I'm not carrying a chair! All I am taking with me is this jacket and my dignity!"

Driving along the road (to soccer practice, coincidentally), he popped open our conversion van's window* and shouted to the Domino's driver beside us,

"I love your pizza!!!" Followed by the pointer finger and pinky held up in a "rock on" pose. He totally made the driver's day.

After that soccer practice, I asked him why he was so rough with his teammates. He kept elbowing everybody to the point that it looked like it was WWF out there! His reply,

"I HAVE to be rough, Mommy! I've gotta prepare my teammates for what's out there! Have you SEEN some of the kids that we play against? They're HUMONGOUS!!!"

His new phrase for days when he thinks he's being cute and funny:

"Shut yo pie-hole, woman!" **



*Jealous, aren't you?
** Yeah, that one rubs me the wrong way, but he says it in such a funny manner, that I honestly can't punish him too harshly. His cuteness and comedy is a curse, I tell you!

Evanisms: aka "Things I never want to forget"

1. "If I were a superhero, I'd be called the Masked Potato!" I was laughing too hard to ask him what super powers a potato would have. The ability to add 10 pounds to your thighs in a single sitting?

2. For this Evanism, you have to understand that we were meeting my husband at a hospital to do a kid switch-a-roo before I headed off to a meeting. Apparently, Evan thinks his dad is a secret agent sniper dude because he asked me this:

"It's taking us FOREVER to get there! When will we get to Daddy's Mercenary Center?"

FYI: It's MERCY CENTER in Aurora. Great hospital to deliver a baby in. Trust me. Ask for the big corner room. It's like a banquet hall!

3. This next cute little diddy is courtesy of Corinne. She and Evan love Michael Jackson. LOVE him. She was rockin her little body and belting out the words:

"You've been hit by (she receives an invisible punch to the chin), You've been SHRUNK by (she shrinks herself down to the ground), a Smooth Criminal!"

Adorableness is just overflowing in my household.