Tuesday, September 06, 2011

In Which I Become Like Steve Irwin

At what degree will fruit flies naturally DIE? If I leave my windows open every night, and the temperature drops to about 50 Farenheit each night (which it DOES! It's wonderfully chilly and I am wrapped in a ROBE!!!!), how long do I have to wait before I can expect to find their little corpses all curled up on my counter tops instead of hovering over the drains and garbage cans?

I swear to God, we are NOT filthy people. Now, we are not super-clean, either, but we've never had fruit flies in the 14 years we've been married, so either I've been doing something right for 14 years or the little buggers were just lying in wait for over a decade, plotting the prime moment to strike and invade my home. Seeing as how fruit flies only live a few weeks, I'm guessing this was just a random attack.

Or maybe they covet my juicy tomatoes?I mean, really? Who wouldn't?

I was doing the whole "vinegar in a cup with a funnel thing" but it wasn't working! They would go in, get trapped, and I would do a victory dance in the kitchen, complete with hip thrusts and shouts of "Uh! Uh! Take THAT you little bastards!" I would then skip happily upstairs to bed and sleep an untroubled, bug-free bliss. So, you can imagine my surprise when I would come downstairs only to find that they had ESCAPED! They had escaped and had an orgy overnight, increasing their numbers threefold! Not only that, but their offspring had been raised on stories of me, the Great Captor. They were PISSED.

I have been suffering these past few days (oh, how I've suffered!). Swatting my head, whacking the walls, and swearing uncontrollably.* FINALLY, just moments ago, I decided to read the ENTIRE directions on How to Kill Fruit Flies.

Heh.

"Release them every day."

Ooohhhh.... No happy victory dances as I wait for them to drown? That's not nice? They will figure out the funnel? Their brains are small but not non-existent? I have to carry the glasses outside and RELEASE them into the wild?

Ohhh.....

I suddenly feel all Animal Planetish.


*that may or may not have to do with the fruit flies... I may just have a profanity issue....
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