Dear Neighborhood SAHD,
I must admit that I was really excited to realize that we both had little girls of close age, and that we were both at-home parents! This was a perfect way for Corinne to make friends that she could actually keep. Excellent, or so I thought...
However, after our meeting at the park today, I will confess that I am at a loss. I am unsure of how to approach a certain issue. An issue that I had assumed was on the downslide in our area. I had incorrectly assumed that all people understood that you just don't think of other people in a judgmental way. I had figured that by TODAY, you would keep your politically incorrect thoughts to yourself, and not impose them upon unsuspecting moms at a local park...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Readers, you tell me how I could have better handled this, and what I should do in the future:
Tracey: blah, blah, blah... it's too bad that the suburbs don't have better public transportation like buses.... blah, blah, blah... so that we can save money on gas and the environment... blah, blah, blah...
Neighborhood Dad: Well, you know, only Spics and Shiners use the CTA, so I gotta admit that we're not missing out on much.
Tracey: Blink. Blink.
Tracey: Um, first of all, what are "Shiners?"
ND: You know, dem black people. I mean, who wants 'em living in the neighborhood, right?
Tracey: (physically shocked at this point and feeling her mouth go dry...) Well, I don't agree, and I have no problem with anyone living next door to me. (this is paraphrased as the situation truly was unbelievable to me).
Ok, folks. I am, first of all, pissed that I didn't have a better response to his racism. To his blatant cruelty. To his ignorant conversation.
I wish I would have said something like "Wow. That is incredibly racist! I didn't know people still thought like that nowadays." But I was, honestly, shocked into near silence. I have no problem being offensive back, but that never solves anything. I truly think that showing the racist that you pity their ignorance and small minds will work better to prove the point. I really need to have an intelligent, direct response at the ready. I need to have it rehearsed for I will most definitely run into this father again. He lives only a few houses away and our daughters ARE the same age.
Which brings me to point #2: How do I decide to handle a potential friendship between our daughters? Truly, at their young ages, it is all up to the parents. We tell them who to play with and they do. End of story. But, before long, their personal preferences will arise and this little girl's close proximity to our home will surely play a part in Corinne choosing her for a friend.
I canNOT allow my children to play at a home where racism is not only thought, but is spoken at such a basic conversation level. If he was willing to drop derrogatory labels so quickly with someone he doesn't know very well, how free is he with it around his own kids? And how much of this is going to rub off on his girls? I am prematurely worrying over Corinne asking to spend the night at this girl's home, and the response I will have to give, which is "No."
I cut the park visit short and walked home feeling disappointed and disrespected. But mostly? I feel truly sad for his daughters, that they must grow up with such poison in their home.
Please, anyone that has tactfully and successfully handled a situation similar to this, any advice would be appreciated. I don't want to ignore the situation. That only makes it feel natural for him. I also cannot risk having a person who feels that way about people he doesn't know living across the street from me with hatred in his heart for my family.
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17 comments:
YIKES!
No advice, I would have been just as stunned. I hate not having a comeback, I'd never want them to think my silence = agreeing with them.
Maybe if you see the daughters out at the park, encourage them to play with Corinne and give them something positive to hear and see. If she's invited over, just tell them no thanks, you're too uncomfortable with it because she's too young to be away from home, but you'd love to have the kids with you. If they do come over and talk the same, just let them know that isn't tolerated in your house.
But, man, avoid that dude like the plague! IF you can.
Because of where I live, I know MANY, MANY racist people - and generally I handle it by either a) getting up and physically leaving the conversation or b) saying "I haven't found that to be true. Why are you saying that?" or c) saying "Yeah, yeah, I heard you being so shocking, ADOLF." It depends.
Sigh. People are jerks.
While I am of the opinion that political correctness can get more than a little ridiculous, the statements this man made were WAY out of line. There is a difference between spelling "woman" with a "Y" in place of the "A" (asinine) and being a racist jerk (awful). I would agree with Andria in how to handle the situation. Kids are exposed to enough cruelty in the world as it is, they don't need it to start this early, and they don't need to be exposed to opinions like this man's when they are so young and vulnerable and soak up everything like little sponges. I feel sorry for this man's kids, hearing that crap their whole lives. They have little chance of not falling into that horrible line of thinking themselves. Thankfully, however, you learned of his prejudice before you allowed your daughter to play at that home, so you don't have to deal with the aftermath. I think he did you a favor by saying what he did; now you know where NOT to let your children play.
Wow. I don't think I have encountered anything like that in a very long time.
I really have no idea what you could possibly say to him. I am the queen of missed come-backs.
I am speechless. I can't believe he would say that. Honestly I have no idea how I would of handled that but it probably would of been about the same.
I don't think you are over reacting about the girls being friends. I would have the exact same thoughts after that encounter. I hope it works out.
I wouldn't have known what Spics and Shiners were!
It's a hard one - I guess maybe if you let him know you don't approve of racism he may try to keep away from you and your daughter in the future? That would be one way of avoiding too close a friendship developing between the girls.
Oh I feel so sorry for his girls. I didn't think anyone was racist like that anymore, except Great-grandma who still uses phrases like "I'm sweatin' like a nigger going to an election." I have to forgive her - she's 87.
Oh my, Mum-me..
keep it coming, people. I appreciate the help!
I have lots of responses going on in my head, but they wouldn't solve anything! I would just try to be as polite as possible when you run into this parent, but not go out of your way to set up plans. I would encourage you to have the little girl over at your house if your daughter wants to play with her. My parents have very different political views than my husband and I. When we saw a marriage counselor a while ago (to deal with extended family issues) she suggested saying things, "In our family we do not believe that" and change the subject. Basically the point is that your emphasizing it's your family so you're not attacking the other person, but at the same time your kids see you standing up and saying that you're not okay with it. Later, you can address it with Corrine. I know she's pretty little, but we feel with our kids that it's practice for us even if they don't fully understand what we're saying.
*picking jaw up from floor*
Okay for starters you handled that WAY better than I would've. I'm pretty well known for not putting up with that kind of language, so I very likely would've told the guy that what he said was inappropriate, disrespectful, and completely unacceptable. No words minced. I will *not* have my children around someone who thinks that way.
As for the problem of his being your neighbor... well, at our old residence, our next door neighbors couldn't stand me. Because of my tendancy to speak my mind. So I can't help you there. But I can assure you I would not allow my child to play with theirs. It's not the child's fault, but they will learn what the parents preach, and again, I will not have my children around that.
I'd end up being "wave from the driveway" neighbors.
That is so incredibly offensive, ignorant, and racist. That said, it shocks me not so much that a person still holds these beliefs in 2008, but that he felt comfortable enough to share such hateful thoughts with someone he doesn't even know.
You've gotten some great advice here, so I'll just agree with everyone else: keep Corinne far, far away from that family.
Oh wow! I have no idea what I would have said... probably something like you did.
I knew a kid who was raised very racist. We lived in an area that was predominantly white and so I had no idea of his attitudes. Then one day we had a family move into the area that was African American and wow. I couldn't believe the ugly things that came out of his mouth. It was dumbfounding. I didn't totally end the friendship, but hoped that some of my attitudes would rub off on him... maybe you could have playtime only at the park or in your home so that you can moniter what is said?? I don't know what I would do... :S
ugh! What an awful situation to be in! I have no idea what I would do! You don't want to miss out on a friendship for Corinne, but you're right- who knows how much that attitude will rub off on his kids. But since they are so young now, she might not be even asking to play with so-and-so yet. You don't have to do anything to encourage the friendship, maybe just hope there aren't many opportunities for get togethers? I know that is sad, and I feel bad for his daughters, but what else can you do when your beliefs are so opposite each other.
OMG!! I am so shocked! And I can see why you were shocked into silence (or at least shocked to the point of not being able to say what you REALLY wanted to say). That's just awful - I had no idea there were people like that out there!
I haven't been in a situation quite like yours, but I have been in a situation where I had to "discourage" my son from playing and befriending a particular child, because I did NOT agree with his parents' lifestyle. I think I would do what a previous poster suggested and try not to encourage the friendship. Besides, she is still so young that she won't be begging to go there for a sleepover. If you steer her gently in another direction (and perhaps another park!) she will happily make a new friend instead, and be none the wiser.
Good luck!
Oh...uh...wow. I would have said everything I needed to say with the shocked look on my face, followed by a "I can't believe you just said that!"
Advice is hard to give on this, since I don't have to live near him. But in that situation I probably would go out of my way to avoid him, and if we did run into each other, keep the conversation as light and short as possible. I feel bad that his daughter will be raised around that kind of hateful speech.
So many layers to your neighbor's comment - and to his ignorance. Racial, ecological, socio-economic - wow, he's an equal-opportunity offender!
FYI, the 9th annual Ricky Birdsong Race Against Hate is taking place in Evanston on Sunday, June 22. More info at http://www.ywca.org/site/pp.asp?c=erLOK1PJLsF&b=2708165
I think that before the next play date, you have a little sit down with the guy and tell him that if your daughters are going to play together, he's going to need to keep his racism to himself when he is in your daughters presence. Ask him if he thinks he can do it. Wait for his response and don't let him off the hook. You'll have put him on notice and given him something to think about. If he agrees to do it and your girls become friends, you may start him on a path toward reconsidering his views just by keeping his commitment. His response will tell you whether or not future play dates are worth contemplating.
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