Monday, July 11, 2011

This is What Insanity Looks Like

Insomnia.

I know! It's the topic that keeps on giving.

It was about 2:30 am last night and I changed the channel. Aha! Social Network was on. Hadn't seen that, yet.

Yes, I know that television doesn't help you to fall asleep. It's a stimulant. Got it. No need to remind me. Why do I keep it on, then? Because it's as silent as a tomb if the t.v. is off. And my brain? My brain is annoyingly noisy.

Last night, mere moments after I valiantly switch off the tube and lie back in bed, eagerly awaiting slumber...

Ahhhh... Can't wait to fall asleep. Big day tomorrow! Great America! Can't wait to watch the kids have a blast and feel the wind on my own face. I wish... Wait. What's that noise? Is it the fridge? I bet it's going to break again. Damnit. Wonder if we have to buy a new one? Can we afford that? It's awfully expensive. We couldn't possibly have enough money to buy a new fridge AND go on the vacations we've got planned. We shouldn't spend so much. We definitely have to start saving like maniacs RIGHT NOW. Why is Patrick always asleep when I have these revelations? Gah. He's snoring, too. Is that a new rattle to his snore? I wonder if he's developing a reaction to all of the years of smoking?

I put my head on his chest and listen
.

His heart sounds... healthy? How the hell is a heart supposed to sound?!? And how am I supposed to HEAR it over his damn snoring? God. What if he died? What if he died right now, in our bed, and I have to live without him for decades? And raise the kids alone? Oh My God. He has to STOP SMOKING. Right NOW.

Nudge, nudge, smack.

Of course, we're all going to die. I'm okay with that. I just want to be the first one to go. Do I really have the strength to live after any of my family dies? Mothers and Wives do it all the time, even though it should be impossible. I need to stop focusing on anything that isn't about happiness! Why do we all fret over appearances and routines and the STUPIDITY of society when we should be wildly spinning in fields of daisies or climbing ancient trees and being FREAKING PEACEFUL!!! Nervous twiddling of fingers.... Holy Shit, I have to change the topic! Watermelon, watermelon, watermelon...

Why can't I Just SLEEP?? I want to sleep. I do! hums a little lullaby... I remember when I sang that lullaby to Evan. Such a sweet baby! Never slept alone, though. Still doesn't! I shift to avoid Evan's stinky foot which has crept up to my face because, naturally, he AND Corinne are in our bed. We really should have sprung for that King Sized bed. I mean, Pat's 6'5". Why did we go for the Queen, anyway? Oh yeah. The cost!

And I'm back to money issues and the circle and cycle spins on and on and on...
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