I had a pregnancy scare.
I'm not. No baby.
Whew!
And I realized, "Whew? I am relieved? I am relieved! When did that happen?"
When did I cross over to this side of parenting? I am... content. I am content to be a family of 5 with no future children on the horizon.
No more babies?
No more babies.
No more sleepy nursing nuzzles at 2 am while the family sleeps in my bed all jumbled in tangles of limbs and blankets.
Strollers and car seats and pacifiers and slings are all packed. I have even given some away. When a woman walked off with my exersaucer at last year's garage sale, I reasoned that I could always buy another one, if the need should arise.
The need won't arise.
I've known this. I've KNOWN this, for many, many years. Patrick has made it crystal clear that our family is FIVE and that is all that we can afford: financially and emotionally. I agree. I DO. I always have.
But.
I held that thought. That dream. That vision that surprises happen and life doesn't usually follow our plans. "We'll see...." I thought in my mind. Many, many times...
This year has allowed me freedom from the physical needs that little ones require. Freedom to sit and read. Freedom to visit with friends in the evening without worry about schedules and naps and the encumbering requirements that encompass parenting an infant. Freedom to think of a future for myself without including "and baby/child" after every scenario.
It's kind of.... nice.
Sort of.
It's nice like the day after Christmas is nice. Bittersweet, full of fresh memories that you desperately attempt to cling to, knowing that the pictures and words won't EVER fully capture the magic of the moment.
It's nice like coming home after a much-anticipated and extremely enjoyed vacation; You're exhausted and sunburnt, with overflowing luggage and tons of laundry to wash. You're wistful that it was over so very, very quickly but glad to be home to start living everyday life again, with hopes of another adventure on the horizon. Yet, you wonder if any trip will ever be as magical as that special vacation most definitely was.
There's an ache in my heart at letting go of this period in our lives. There will always be tears that can be shed in a moment of silence... Because raising our babies and toddlers was so incredibly special for me that I can't fathom what my life will be like with 10, 15, 20 years of space between It and where I live and breathe right now. Will I be able to remember the sweetness of their small hands in mine? The way his hair smelled after the sprinklers and grass and sunshine were stirred up into those golden curls? Will I truly remember the feel of a sleeping baby on my chest? Warm and trusting, with no desires besides my love?
Sigh... I think I need some chocolate for breakfast. Chocolate, coffee and a good cry...
Posts
Poetry Month in our Homeschool
-
Sure, you *can *force a kid to read a book. Any book, actually. But you
*can't* force a child to love to read. You can't push and push literature
on them a...
10 years ago
16 comments:
This is "The Pause". The interim Nature provides us between 'sets' of children. The 1st set is done, now. It's time to nurture and grow them and guide them and hope they become something like the people we would like them to be. The next 'set' are the children they will bring home to you - THEIR children. And you will again be able to experience as much as you want of that whole experience, again. It's kind of up to you. But you can have all the snuggles and smells - and maybe even a nap or two - with baby children who then GO HOME WITH THEIR parents and leave you to enjoy the quiet.
That was beautifully written. I loved my babies but I'm glad that they are getting older. In fact, when we adopt again, it will be a child past the toddler stage. Babies are hard work like you just mentioned.
Congratulations on not being pregnant, I guess.
Your Friend, m.
p.s. I have never had a pregnancy scare, yet!
(repost, without typos *blush)
Tracey - you articulated this beautifully.
LceeL - what a beautiful summation of family and cycles and life. Thank you. You have given me much to ponder. :)
Your thoughts are so very clearly written. I have two small boys myself and I think I'm on the fence of wanting to continue the sweet baby stage and being done with it for good!!!
I started reading this post and was laughing and nodding my head. And by the end, I was a blubbering mess. My baby just learned to walk, and I know he's the last one. Waaaaaaaah! Will you share your chocolate??
This is such a great post, what a wonderful way of describing that moment of being content with the amount of little people in the family....my twinges of baby needs are less and less, I find myself oohing and ahhing over other babies without the longing. It's very nice...
lovely post.
Congratulations at arriving at a place of peace with your family's decision. I'm not there yet, and like you, I'm (almost) 34 with 3 kids. My youngest just turned 2 and I cannot imagine adding a baby to the chaos but at the same time I can't imagine never being pregnant again, never giving birth again, never nursing...I just can't decide if I want our family to be complete as it is. Thanks for this post- it gives me so much to ponder!
Beautiful, Tracey. Like, lump in the throat beautiful, wanting to join you in the chocolate and tears beautiful. Yes. You've captured it. Exactly. I know exactly how you feel and what you mean.
I could write more, but that would make the tears come, and the kids are wanting me, wanting me joyful in this moment, and I want to be here in my Now, because yes, time passes and passes. And now I'm going to go and put a child on my lap and nuzzle their neck, breathe in their smell, because right now I still can.
Thank you for these heartfelt, reach-right-into-me-and-take-hold words, Tracey!
Damn that green grass on the other side of the fence. We're more than done ourselves. But if I'm more than 5 minutes late any given month...I have to stop and 'what if'. Both our boys were well-planned and I've always wondered about the wonder of an oops.
I'm glad you're happy.
Wow, Tracey, what a beautiful post. I'm so still in the thick of the hands on, everyone-needs-mommy-almost-every-minute stage that I don't experience many yearnings for another baby. I think our family of five is complete and feel relieved that hubby and I feel the same about that. At the same time, I do recognize that I am not ready for my fifteen month old to NOT be a baby. I still put her down for two naps a day and am still nursing her even though she has a dozen teeth and could probably eat a steak if I gave her one.
I've told you this many times, but I love reading your blog because I feel like in reading about your two boys and a girl, I am getting glimpses of what stages are to come for my two boys and a girl. And, of course, I love your honesty and sense of humor.
Oh, this is so well said! Thank you for sharing; thank you so much. I'm pretty much right where you are -- youngest one's age, just had a not-quite-scare, was surprised to think of it as a scare -- so this hit in the right place. Thank goodness I'm reading this while eating a brownie.
LceeL... nice and perfect addendum. :)
I hear you. Even after my husband had a vasectomy, there was one month I was convinced I was pregnant. I found myself hoping for that EPT to come back positive, even though we'd made the decision not to have anymore kids, and I was disappointed when it was negative.
BUT . . . I am more relieved. I can't imagine having a toddler in the house right now, not with where we're at in our lives. That doesn't make the longing hurt any less, though.
It took me a Loooong time to get over that feeling of "do I want more?" Unfortunately, I didn't have the "fear" of an oops pregnancy...I'm unable to get pregnant...both of our kids are adopted and on top of having that "I want to adopt another baby" feeling A LOT when my son was about 3, 4 and even 5 years old, I also had an overwhelming desire to experience being pregnant. To actually carry a baby in my womb and give birth to a healthy baby. My son is almost 7 now and I've had that "content with being done" feeling for over a year now. And I'm sooo glad we decided to be done. When he started kindergarten it freed me up to work days....no more diapers, no more strollers, no more carseats...it's awesome!!! I still struggle a bit with the "I wish I could've gotten pregnant" feeling, but it's going away ...slowly.
My clock is sooooooooooo ticking right now too. Very loudly, but I'm trying to be okay with the one baby I have since the hubby says no more for him. Well, she's five now so technically I'm out of the baby stage too. :( Loved those tender years!!!!!!!!!!
What a wonderful, beautiful post. It gets me excited for our upcoming "vacation," which I kind of need right now since I'm more than a little terrified.
Post a Comment