I know one day, I'll look back on these times, this year, this season, with fondness and longing. I'll yearn to hold them in my arms at ages 12, 9 and 5 for just a moment longer. I'll wonder how I ever hoped to speed through these times. My older self will want to slap my current aged face and shout "Pay Attention! This? This daily life of yours? The driving to lessons and practicing multiplication tables and speculating about tedium? This is what matters!! This is what will shape their hearts and lives and personalities. FOCUS, Tracey."
And still I find myself issuing commands instead of repeating nicely. I find myself at the end of my rope with especially one child. The one who loves and plays so exuberantly is equally outrageous in their ability to infuriate me with a disrespectful attitude and responses...
But I am the adult.
Driving home from the zoo yesterday, my knuckles were absolutely white. I continued to bark at them to "Be quiet! Be QUIET!"
"We're just playing! Why does it make you so mad?!?"
One day I'll miss this. One day I'll miss this.
The volume increases. The screaming, laughter, arguments, and, finally, object thrown through the van in gridlock traffic.
I snap like unbaked pasta, scattering my jagged pieces across the family.
"Can't you see me?!? Can't you see how distracting you are?!? Can't you understand that I am AT MY END OF PATIENCE?!?"
Silence.
A shuffle. A giggle. A build-up of noise and, once again, their voices encapsulate me without any escape in sight. No concern for their mother who is attempting to navigate them safely home.
Breathe and relax, Tracey. BREATHE.
Is this how I want them to remember me? The shrieking banshee? The impatient one? Would they ever raise their hands to the camera and shout "I'm here because of my Mom! I love you, Mom!" ? Will they blame me?
Late that night, I wake up to find that I cannot move. What started out as just Pat and I has morphed into a family bed of midnight stragglers. I am literally bound in my place in my bed between the same ones who declare that I am mean and unfair; arms and legs and hands confine me and forgive me.
Why, in this setting, is it so simple to love each other? Why can't I retain the patience during the daylight? Why do they seek me out in the nighttime when I fail so miserably during the day?
Every day, I promise to have more patience. To explain, without yelling, what needs to be accomplished. Every day, I swear to myself that this day WILL BE BETTER. We will communicate and understand each other. The family will reach the nightfall withOUT punishments, threats or tears.
So far, today? I'm not doing so great. But this moment of silence and reflection causes me to want to try again. I can't give up on this. There's no limit to the number of attempts we'll make.
Because my Family? It's all that matters.
Posts
Poetry Month in our Homeschool
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Sure, you *can *force a kid to read a book. Any book, actually. But you
*can't* force a child to love to read. You can't push and push literature
on them a...
11 years ago
14 comments:
wow, I feel like you wrote down all the words I was thinking. I have a 14 yr old girl and she says why are you yelling as she is yelling at me.So we keep trying
I hear you. I feel you. Heck, I AM you, many days. You are not alone in feeling this. I feel the, um, ...testiness the most when I am the farthest from myself, from what makes me "Joy" and not only "Mom". And yet, I would not trade "Mom" to my three hooligans for anything else in the world. (Although, I probably - maybe? - would not pass up on the chance to spend a weekend alone in my home.)
It used to piss Annie off something terrible - she'd be stuck at home with the kids all day and they'd do her like yours are doing you - and then I'd come home and all I had to do was LOOK at someone, and they'd FREEZE - which I could never understand, myself, because, other than hanging Alex up in the hall by the straps of his bib overalls when he misbehaved, I never hit or abused my kids - although I was SERIOUSLY tempted from time to time - I always found a way to make them laugh, instead. You can't be a bad boy and giggle at the same time.
Ah, Tracey. It is times like these that people in BlogLand should be able to step quietly out from their screens into the real world, to you, to give you a simple hug. I'd sit with you and you'd vent and laugh and cry and maybe feel a bit self-conscious for crying (I know I do), and then we'd make a pot of tea. And talk some more.
Instead, I'm mentally sitting with you right now. I'm sending peace. I could give you all sorts of "advice," but instead, what I feel pouring out of me and flying over to you, are waves of peace.
Your words are beautiful and hard and real. I have so much I could say, but there's no room! I hope you find the patience you're looking for. It's so clear how much love you have for your kids. And how much your kids love you. I think the Crazy Wonderful image of you all in bed at night says it all :)
I understand completely. I get so angry at myself for yelling and feel so guilty, especially right before bedtime when everything is peaceful and sweet. I'm working on my patience, but haven't found a magic pill that will make me a calmer mother.
You're such a great mom, Tracey. Every parent loses his or her patience and explodes at some point. I can't handle any sort of loud noise when I'm driving, and there have been times I've pulled off the side of the road to yell at my kids to BE QUIET! I'm very fond of screaming: "DO YOU WANT TO DIE TODAY?!?!" Been where you've been and done that multiple times over. Hang in there. ;-)
My God, girl - I tell myself exactly the same things. And yet I still get into that bitchy mood now and again. And again.
were you in my car with me and my kids the other day, because this is very deja vu
I have these same conversations in my head...those out of body experiences where a voice is saying...'don't say it, don't say it, it's not important"
I wish I listened to that voice more often.
Yes, yes, yes. I hear you. This post was maybe my favorite one ever of yours.
Nice article, thanks for the information.
Oh, my gosh, this could have been written by me (though not as well as you have captured it).
Reaching out with a big hug to you. Have the knowledge that we all understand.
I really need more patience.
Sometimes I'm okay, other times I feel like I'm yelling most of the day.
Found you on another mommy site...
In awe of the homeschool piece...will definitely follow along on your adventure.
And yes...I too remind myself every day to enjoy the moment. Breathe and enjoy the moment. They are all so fleeting!
xo
babymama
avagracescloset.blogspot.com
THIS-was so beautiful.
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