Thursday, May 13, 2010

Not what I planned

Well. That was a bit unexpected...

I didn't expect to be crying on the drive home from the airport. Sure, Justin was flying to South Dakota with his grandma for a week of exploring some of its beautiful landmarks and parks. Sure, he would be completely out of my reach for several days and nights. So what, right? I mean, he's gone away before! And I'm sure I missed him, but to have to consciously pull myself together because I was driving on a rainy highway today with my other 2 kids caught me completely off guard!

I just kept seeing his life flashing before my eyes. His infancy was so brief but such a drastic change to my life. I was only 22 when he was born which felt absolutely perfect then but sounds so young, now! I picture him curled up on my chest, sound asleep, his downy blond hair against my cheek. I remember lying beside him at ages 2 and 3, curling his fingers around my own, feeling his chest rise and fall and thinking that all I ever wanted or needed in my life was for this small boy to be happy and healthy. I can vividly recall the chatty preschooler; full of questions and ideas, and constantly searching for the answer that best fit in HIS mind. I see the young pre-teen he is today; the life he is forming outside of the family unit, the activities he is motivated by, and the kind heart that exists within him.And then my mind raced ahead: His baby cheeks are long gone. In a few short years he'll be shaving and driving. And then... moving away. Forever. And my heart is aching right now at the knowledge that this teeny little separation of just 5 nights will be NOTHING in comparison to what is ahead. The honest truth is that my life will (theoretically) consist of more time spent NOT being their care provider. I will most likely only have these children in my home for 18-20 years and then watch them succeed and fail as adults on their own for decades! Yes, adults need care from their parents (I'm living proof!) but how much, really?

The years are slipping through my fingers and it's kind of pissing me off.

One thing I can hold onto, though: Today, Justin has called me 4 times in 6 hours. My mother-in-law told me that every time they do something exciting (like eat at Subway!) he gets in the car and says "I have to tell my mom!"


My baby may not be teeny anymore, but he still needs and wants his mom. I'm going to hold onto that as tightly as I can, for as long as I can.

And now, excuse me as I go and cry a bit more....
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