Recently, Oprah told Ellen that she "radiated joy."
This struck me. It has stuck with me for many days...
I want to radiate joy. I want everyone to see the happiness that surrounds me.
I want to focus on the positives of my life to the extent that the people within my vicinity can honestly feel the peace and love oozing from my pores.
I spent an hour in the slowly cooling bathtub yesterday, submerged to my eyeballs in steaming hot water, only moving my mind. The water was perfectly still until my heaving sobs would send ripples to the tub's edges and back again. My problems, like the water, are merely ripples. They can cause huge waves to upset my entire life if I let my emotions get carried away. Or I can choose to be restful and quiet. I can choose to inhale and hold my breath when I feel like screaming. I can choose to stop all of my tedious chores and simply BE. Breathing, living, dying, feeling... If I can only hold still long enough, maybe the ripples will fade away, and all that will be left will be me in a tub of soapy water, holding my breath and closing my eyes. Maybe if I can just still the waves caused by my own distress, then the random splashes from the outside world won't take quite so long to cease...
I don't want to ignore the negatives. I'm not talking about complete denial of the tragedies of life and the fragility of every delicate thread that holds together the fabric of my life. What I want is to get back to the daily acknowledgment that BECAUSE life is so impermanent, I must treasure what is before me, while it still exists. I was there once. I know it's just beyond my reach right now. Or just within it, and I haven't been brave enough to release what I know and understand so that I can grasp the next rung. After all, you can't climb the monkey bars without first letting go of the bar you're on...
And so I sit here, running between my computer with Jason Mraz in the background and my frying pan where the fish is crackling. My children are drooling for dinner and Patrick may just get to eat it with us tonight. I am surrounded by the sounds and smells of a family that is not perfect but is constantly trying, trying, perpetually trying to be better.
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15 comments:
I love my bath time. Soaking there seems to slow me down and make life seem more manageable.
Oh how I hear you!
I can't tell how many times I've heard this same story in different formats on other blogs (mine included). I think it's just called "having young kids." Transitions like these take a long time to really get used to. And it seems like just when you get used to it, something rocks the boat.
At least you have the comfort of knowing that 1). you're not alone in this feeling, and 2). the only constant is change. And you're right - we should embrace this while we can!
I did a post on something similar:
http://www.theunexperiencedmom.com/2009/09/im-homesickbut-im-already-home.html
I think every parent has these feelings at some point. I hope you can find that joy!
Great post, and beautifully written. Thank you for writing this! And much like you continued to think on the "radiating joy" comment, I shall continue to ponder on your thoughts from here.
What a beautifully written post, Tracey.
That's the trick, isn't it? Finding the balance of dealing with the negative emotions and happenings and accepting and celebrating the positive ones.
Lately, I've been trying to really concentrate when I feel anxious or upset. Is it real or just a chemical thing? More often than not, it's chemical. Once I identify it, my own waters calm.
Real issues always exist but for me, identifying and dealing with them rather than allowing them to take over, helps.
Yes, dear. Do radiate that joy. You only get one shot at this - and the shot you get is way too short - so make the best of it. Someday you'll find out that the real fortune in life is in your health, your family and your friends. The rest of it is all window dressing.
It's easier said than done, isn't it?
I wish you stillness and peace. As much as you need to recharge.
Beautiful writing. I love your honesty.
I'm right there with you....trying to still mine too!
I've always thought you radiated joy, Tracey. I think you need to give yourself more credit. You do a WAY better job at this than most.
Beautiful post. I am going to try radiate joy tomorrow. I love that. Just don't make me take a bath. I hate baths.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. That seems to be the story for so many of us these days. I think it's a great goal to radiate joy and focus on the small, and not so small things, that are great in our lives. This post definitely reminds me to enjoy and appreciate my two (sometimes demanding) little boys and my very busy husband.
I read a quote and posted it on my blog from Christine Northrup...if you feel like it, take a look...I think it's true. And you are not alone...:)but you know that - that;s why you blog!! :)
Radiate Joy. Yes! This is very similar to my little aha thing over delight. I want the same. It's so hard sometimes. XO. I love you. I'm radiating joy at you right now since 30 days of blog posting and a tough preschool schedule are dragging me doooowwwwnnnnn.
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