Monday, November 16, 2009

On stilling my own waters...

Recently, Oprah told Ellen that she "radiated joy."

This struck me. It has stuck with me for many days...

I want to radiate joy. I want everyone to see the happiness that surrounds me.

I want to focus on the positives of my life to the extent that the people within my vicinity can honestly feel the peace and love oozing from my pores.

I spent an hour in the slowly cooling bathtub yesterday, submerged to my eyeballs in steaming hot water, only moving my mind. The water was perfectly still until my heaving sobs would send ripples to the tub's edges and back again. My problems, like the water, are merely ripples. They can cause huge waves to upset my entire life if I let my emotions get carried away. Or I can choose to be restful and quiet. I can choose to inhale and hold my breath when I feel like screaming. I can choose to stop all of my tedious chores and simply BE. Breathing, living, dying, feeling... If I can only hold still long enough, maybe the ripples will fade away, and all that will be left will be me in a tub of soapy water, holding my breath and closing my eyes. Maybe if I can just still the waves caused by my own distress, then the random splashes from the outside world won't take quite so long to cease...


I don't want to ignore the negatives. I'm not talking about complete denial of the tragedies of life and the fragility of every delicate thread that holds together the fabric of my life. What I want is to get back to the daily acknowledgment that BECAUSE life is so impermanent, I must treasure what is before me, while it still exists. I was there once. I know it's just beyond my reach right now. Or just within it, and I haven't been brave enough to release what I know and understand so that I can grasp the next rung. After all, you can't climb the monkey bars without first letting go of the bar you're on...

And so I sit here, running between my computer with Jason Mraz in the background and my frying pan where the fish is crackling. My children are drooling for dinner and Patrick may just get to eat it with us tonight. I am surrounded by the sounds and smells of a family that is not perfect but is constantly trying, trying, perpetually trying to be better.
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