Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Ramblings of an insomniac....

Pay no attention to the tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm just another 33 year old insomniac who will later shriek at her children through exhaustion, thereby waking her husband from his pitifully allotted sleep.

I woke at 2 am with a completely numb arm. Nothing gets my attention faster than an appendage that doesn't respond to a direct command. After my whole "paralyzed hand" situation, little things like my dominant arm not moving get me a little tense...

I sat up in bed, jiggling and shaking my body, elevating my right side with my left arm, and my mind began to wander, as minds tend to do... Do you ever try to take a shower with your eyes closed? Or get dressed without using one of your legs? (No? This is just another quirk that is unique to me?) I often marvel at how quickly something as simple as bathing and dressing could become a complicated feat if we were to be deprived of one of our senses. How do you trust yourself to get out of the shower for an emergency if your deaf ears cannot hear your children shouting for help? How much work could I really accomplish if my body didn't work the way I am used to?

And then I complain; "My life is so haaaard! I am so stressed from this period of debt, lack of sleep and being deprived of any meaningful conversations with my husband. Wah wah wah..."

I want to be Ma Ingalls. Really. Remember when Laura got up in front of the class and "read" her report about her hero? And she was wearing the blue dress that Ma constructed from her own, only "fancy" dress? The dress that Ma slaved over throughout the night, just so that her daughters could have something pretty to wear with pride? And the report; Laura raves about how Ma does so much work, and does it without complaint and always a kind word and tender smile.

Shoot. I KNOW it was a tv show. But there ARE women like that. And I just want a little, tiny bit of that selflessness to shine through me. I long for a portion of the patience and control it would take to be alone, truly alone, with only children and an exhausted husband, day in and day out. Can you imagine the stamina it must have taken for women in the 1800's prairies to survive? The iron will and resourcefulness....

Just a smidge. That's all I need.
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