Thursday, June 25, 2009

I Am.

It has come to my attention that my children have been placed above myself in my life. It has come to my attention that this is no longer a situation I can be content with.

Does that sound horrible?

Hmmm. It may be. But it's not meant to be.

I mean only to say that they are extremely important to me, but should not completely define me. And I fear that this is what has happened. I fear that I have become "only Mommy". And while Mommy is wonderful and beautiful, and something I want to retain as an integral piece of myself, it is not the complete picture of who I am.

Nor should it be.

But how do I attain the peace within myself? How do I nurture my own heart and emotions without neglecting those of the children I am to be raising? How do I connect with my husband in our extremely sparse time together? Is it even possible to have more than 1 or 2 aspects of my life flowing somewhat smoothly simultaneously? Must one portion always be forced to lie fallow so that the others may prosper? Must my own personal growth and contentment be the weakest link in this pecking order?

And yet, how can I fully devote any attention or passion for my children, home or marriage if my own desires are so subdued that they are practically non-existent?

What exactly are my desires? Good question. I ask myself that very thing, every moment of every day...

To be loved. (which I am)
To be truly desired.
To catch his eye, and catch my breath.
To be free enough to dance in the summer night.
To be acknowledged for my talents, accomplishments, and abilities.
To discover for the sake of discovery.
To perform on stage.
To move people to tears.
To be moved to tears.
To have him reach for my hand, before I reach for his.
To write with abandon and without interruption.
To know that I am living my life fully, and without regret...
Post a Comment
Related Posts with Thumbnails