On edge. I'm on a constant, sharp edge. I can't seem to soften up and just let life be.... Why am I so quick to yell? Why am I hurting myself and my family by being so angry lately?
Is this a seasonal problem? Do I write a post like this every 3 months or so? Can someone else check for me because I? I am going to go curl into a ball on my bed, unwashed for the second day in a row. I am curling my hands around my coffee cup and not answering the phone. I don't want to know... I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to make small talk...
Why, when I saw Justin's eyes watering up, why did I continue to shriek that it's 40 degrees outside? Why couldn't I find my inner calm and keep my volume down? Why am I yelling at them when all I should be doing is taking care of them?
Why am I bawling, literally sobbing through typing this, over losing a tiny diamond from my wedding band?
Why do I feel so disconnected? So horribly, utterly SAD?
Why, when I look into my husband's eyes, do I not feel the connection I felt a month ago?
Nothing is noticeably different from before. Yet I feel limp and defeated. When something goes wrong, I can't let it slide off my back as before. I took personal offense to Pat's joke about taking the recycling out. As though my heart was stomped on, yet again, and I was a worthless person who couldn't take the recycling out myself. And it was a joke. But I feel like hiding in my closet with a blanket over my head. Please turn off the lights and lock the door...
What the hell? I just want to sleep! I just want someone else to take care of things for me! Just for a while! I feel overwhelmed, and cluttered, and claustrophobic. I cannot bear to think of the perpetual laundry, cleaning, homework, and tedious details of being at home anymore. I need to call the pediatrician for Justin and Corinne, and yet? I know it is going to take a good hour or two to get myself motivated for it. I have to clean the laundry room yet AGAIN as the cats are so absolutely disgusting that it needs to be fumigated from top to bottom, and I am feeling like just throwing everything, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, in there away. Food, clothes, cat box, CATS, shelving... Just pitching it in a fabulous fury onto the lawn...
I need an empty field to scream and cry in. I need to run until I fall down, covered in mud and tears...
What is wrong with me?
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26 comments:
Maybe it's Fall. Many people seem to feel like this when it sets in. Talk to someone about it. Friends, family, whoever. Go to what comforts you and take that time for you, not your family, just you until you feel at least a little better.
Be well.
Whatever is wrong with you is wrong with me too. I want to withdraw completely.
Hugs.
When the seasons change we often feel out of sorts & disconnected. Give it time & know that you will feel better in the long run.
Breath! Seriously!
I find that this happens to me just about every month. Honestly.
One minute I am madly in love with my hubby and the next I think he doesn't give a crap about me.
And don't even get me started on my temper.
Just believe that this feeling will pass. It WILL. Give yourself a few extra moments alone if you can. Get out of the house by yourself. Take a long bubble bath. And go easy on yourself.
Amen. AMEN.
I hope it's the changing weather. Wish I could blame it on the PMS.
Wonder why my kids still tell me "I love you so much" when I shove them out the door to school.
Wonder why I always end up feeling like such a jackass even though I'm still pretty sure that I am right. (About Everything.)
But.
AMEN.
You're a mom. You have three kids. You work 24/7 and you don't get paid. You don't have weekends off.
Any other person working a job like that would quit or go on strike. It takes a lot out of you. I feel like that a lot. Especially on a cold Monday. Don't beat yourself up about it. Withdraw where you can, get some rest, drink some wine, watch some trash tv, and take care of yourself.
Big hugs to you for posting this, because I feel the exact. same. way lately. Like you, I have no explanation for it, and my little family here is suffering because of it. If it weren't only noon, I might be drinking already.
Big, huge hugs to you. I hope everything gets better.
PS- agreed to Andria's post. I just ate 5 brownies, washed down with good ol' whole milk, even though I should be trying to shed some pounds. I definitely feel better! Treat yourself to a messy house, junky TV, greasy hair, and a glass of wine. We're Moms, sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment in itself. Be proud of yourself. You're awesome and we love you!
I'm right there with you. I definitely think it's the changing of the seasons that throws us all out of whack. It will pass, you'll find your calm....
until then I'm ALL for the brownies and wine suggestion
:-(
Hugs
You know you aren't alone, even if it feels that way. We all get to this point at some time or another. I know when I'm feeling constantly angry, perpetually out of control, unmotivated, sad . . . it's usually due to something totally unrelated to my husband or my kids or the state of the house. It doesn't help to feel unappreciated by our spouse, to have to constantly nag our kids, to look around and see nothing but mess, but usually that's not the real problem.
Didn't you just write that you were lamenting the last of your "baby days"? Perhaps that's affecting you a lot more than what you realize. And it could very well be a seasonal thing. My bad months are January-April, when all I really want to do is just sit on the couch and watch TV all day long.
Find someone to talk to - whether it be a family member or friend. Also, it wouldn't hurt to make an appt with your OB-GYN and have your hormone levels tested, particularly your thyroid.
Feel better!
those days stink. I hope you feel better soon. Should we have a play date next week?
You aren't alone. We all get this way sometimes. There are some days where I just want to get in my car and drive far, far away. I want to escape from my life, good as it is. I want to shake off the overwhelming responsibilities and just LIVE for a while. To stop feeling like I'm just getting by.
I don't know what the answer is. A day away, maybe. Even a day at home where hubs takes the kids and you can just relax. (Is that possible?) Maybe a weekend with your girlfriends. (I'm all the time seeing cheap weekend vacations) Arrange for family to take the kids for a weekend and have a home vacay with the husband. Any or all of these would probably do a world of good towards healing that psyche.
Now, I need to take my own advice.
There's nothing *wrong* with you. I believe that when things affect us like this, we should listen. YOU NEED A BREAK. You need to look after TRACEY for awhile, you need some time out. Looking after yourself is almost more important than looking after a husband and 3 kids. You deserve some time out, to do something YOU like, treat yourself, give yourself some time to relax and refresh.
((Hugs))
SADD need more sunshine!
You know, I went through years like this (off and on). I'm pretty sure it was pure exhaustion by being with the kids all damn day. Or...when they were in school, they would constantly argue with each other or just need need need me, when I had no energy to give.
I'd say give it time, but you may want to check into the healthfood places and see if there is something herbal for you to take. I know there's a lot of safe stuff out there to take for depression like symptoms.
wow, you really captured much of what i feel many times. i never thought there was something wrong with me but after having kids it did effect my parenting skills, therefore i finally sought help and got put on lexapro and it helps ...hang in there. if you feel like you need help talk to a doc. it can not harm anything.
It does sound like you're writing about it and crying about it and it might not feel good or productive it is, in a release kind of way! -- A thread of a silver lining...but it's there...
not sure if it helps to know others are there with you, but many of us get into that space too...it's not fun when your brain is telling you to shut up when you see the hurt on the faces you love and you know that you put that look there! A LOT of us have done that and the best thing to do is forgive yourself...apologize and give lots and lots of hugs!
Hey, this sounds like me last week...my mom pointed out the fact that hormones wreak havoc on a woman's mood...
It seems to be true with me because this week I feel like I can take on the world. This means much less yelling!
Hang in there, this too shall pass. Take some time for yourself too!
I would sit down and really evaluate hormones. It could be the seasons, it could be your daughter's birthday, you may have overscheduled. But Honey, I disagree that the feeling of wanting to throw a blanket over your head is something to think a day away from home will help. My depression is totally PMS induced, and just coming to that admission totally changes how I take on the world those times. I don't think of myself as awful for not wanting to be with my kids then, it is just the hormones messing with my brain function. Easy helps are take a walk (alone, when your husband is home with the kids), and honestly talking it out helps (someone objective, not Pat). Do you have a sounding board? I have a friend I can call and say "X y and Z just happened, am I over reacting?" and bless her heart sometimes she says yes! Other times she's as mad as I am! When it was really bad, I picked her up and she came and stayed with me for the day, I am always more sane with another grownup in the house.
Should I come to Chicago?
Oh, geez. I have to remind myself to exercise patience too. Hope you are able to take a break for a little while....
I know that feeling! I hope it eases up soon. If it doesn't, find someone to talk to about it. It's not fair how it can just sneak up on you like it does. Hugs!
Clinical-Depression is what comes to mind... but I agree with Dana & Lis, it could be a seasonal thing. Talk to your doctor. You need to take care of yourself, not just your family.
Oh Tracey honey, I'm sorry. I've gone through periods of this too. Cycles of anger and detachment. It's a kind of hurting that's hard to bear and hard to escape from.
I think we all have our triggers, from what I've learned from my own experiences and those of other women with similar issues. For me it gets really, really bad if I don't drink enough water and eat too much in the way of processed and sugary foods. Sugar is my main trigger. As is having so much to do I can't wrap my head around ever getting it all done. That's a bad one too that sends me spiralling out of control.
Hope you break free soon. Living in the doldrums is no kind of life, is it? ~hugs~
Season change more than likely. But I have had moods like this off and on since I was 15. ABout 8 years ago I started meds for it (for me it was Paxil) and it really helped. I would go off of them and back on them. I have been off for over a year now and doing well, but I know that I may need to fall back on them. When I start losing my temper alot with my kids, is when I know it is time for me to go back on a paxil.
Hope you get to feeling better.
So many great thoughts here already. I just want to say love and warmth and sunshine to you. I get like this and it's a downward spiral of guilt about not enjoying my kids, my family and then more impatience, anger because guilt isn't helping my mood.
Can you take a day just for you? Maybe with girlfriends, maybe alone, whatever you want. Fill it the way you would with any little trivial thing that makes you happy. Sit in a coffee shop all day writing or reading or watch five movies or get a massage!
Wish I could go with you. Hugs. S
Ok, sweetie, I think I've told you about S.A.D.D. before. You wrote about this last winter as well. And on my calendar last year my husband wrote a note on Nov 1 that says, "Beth, You have SADD" so that I wouldn't forget that that was what was going on when I started to lose it. FOllow the link of the above commenter.
The fact that your more recent post (because I'm late here) has so much to do with the sun being out and your feeling better really tells me that this could be the problem.
I think we have the same personalities. I HATE that I yell; absolutely hate it, but I yet I still do it. And of course I feel awful afterwards. I also going through these periods of depression, I tell Joe that I just feel like running away to be all alone and no one to take care of, no responsibilities. Sometimes it's hard just being an adult!
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