Monday, October 27, 2008

Boo Hoo

On edge. I'm on a constant, sharp edge. I can't seem to soften up and just let life be.... Why am I so quick to yell? Why am I hurting myself and my family by being so angry lately?

Is this a seasonal problem? Do I write a post like this every 3 months or so? Can someone else check for me because I? I am going to go curl into a ball on my bed, unwashed for the second day in a row. I am curling my hands around my coffee cup and not answering the phone. I don't want to know... I don't want anyone to talk to me and I don't want to make small talk...

Why, when I saw Justin's eyes watering up, why did I continue to shriek that it's 40 degrees outside? Why couldn't I find my inner calm and keep my volume down? Why am I yelling at them when all I should be doing is taking care of them?

Why am I bawling, literally sobbing through typing this, over losing a tiny diamond from my wedding band?

Why do I feel so disconnected? So horribly, utterly SAD?

Why, when I look into my husband's eyes, do I not feel the connection I felt a month ago?

Nothing is noticeably different from before. Yet I feel limp and defeated. When something goes wrong, I can't let it slide off my back as before. I took personal offense to Pat's joke about taking the recycling out. As though my heart was stomped on, yet again, and I was a worthless person who couldn't take the recycling out myself. And it was a joke. But I feel like hiding in my closet with a blanket over my head. Please turn off the lights and lock the door...

What the hell? I just want to sleep! I just want someone else to take care of things for me! Just for a while! I feel overwhelmed, and cluttered, and claustrophobic. I cannot bear to think of the perpetual laundry, cleaning, homework, and tedious details of being at home anymore. I need to call the pediatrician for Justin and Corinne, and yet? I know it is going to take a good hour or two to get myself motivated for it. I have to clean the laundry room yet AGAIN as the cats are so absolutely disgusting that it needs to be fumigated from top to bottom, and I am feeling like just throwing everything, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, in there away. Food, clothes, cat box, CATS, shelving... Just pitching it in a fabulous fury onto the lawn...

I need an empty field to scream and cry in. I need to run until I fall down, covered in mud and tears...

What is wrong with me?
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