131

There's nothing like deciding to go on a shopping spree for yourself to make you realize just how much weight you've put on...

I was all excited, too! I got a whole bunch of shorts and shirts in a variety of sizes, as I knew I'd put on some weight, and headed to the changing rooms (with Corinne in tow).

First mistake: try on shorts in smaller size first. Not a good idea. This will only make you freak out as you realize that the smaller size is WAY too small and will cause your heart to stop a bit. You will look at your butt and shudder a bit, but think "You KNEW you were a bit bigger this year. Stop freaking out. You will lose the weight by next summer, but you need clothing that will make you feel good this summer."

So, you will toss those undersized shorts in the corner so that Corinne will pick at their tags and comment on how teeny tiny they are for Mommy while you proceed onto the untried pile.

Luckily, the 2 other pairs of shorts (in the bigger size...) fit reasonably well. Your butt, well... it doesn't look as good as it used to, but you're reasonably sure that it looks okay and go onto the shirts.

The shirts. Aye... Again, you forget to try on the larger size first and freak out at how huge you look in the smaller size. Sighing, you try on the big shirts and think that they look fine, until you spy the back of your arms in the mirrors behind you (damn those multiple mirrors!!).

"Whose flabby arms are those?" you will wonder.

And then you will cry in the dressing room.

Big fat tears (of course), which you will wipe away as quickly as you can, so that your daughter doesn't pick up on your poor body image.

"Oooh! Mommy you wook pwetty!" she says as you stuff yourself into the worst horror of all:

The Bathing Suit from Hell.

Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why do I expect to look better in a bathing suit than I know is possible? Why, when my worst problem areas are my butt and thighs (and now, apparently, my upper arms..) do I expect a bathing suit to look ok on me?

So, I am now pissed at myself. I am mad that I am shocked... I am mad that I have let myself gain so much weight. I am mad that I am so freaking squishy and out of shape as my husband is getting increasingly thinner and more muscular by working out every freaking morning. I am furious with the excuses I have made about not working out. I am disgusted about every late night ice cream and s'more that I have allowed myself.

And so, I have whined and ranted here. I have unleashed my anger and disgust at myself online so that my kids won't be witness to (as much of) me complaining about how I look.

I will not look good this summer. It's too late. But I will look good by NEXT SUMMER. By next summer I will be the weight on my driver's license...

Damn straight.

131 lbs. on May 29, 2008...