Saturday, February 02, 2008

Sniffing a baby's head...

Edited to add that one should not mess with one's own blog design at 10 pm when one has no experience with said blog designing lest one end up with el boring design as appears right now. NOW, one must spend the wee hours of the night messing around with letters like html and img and crap that is all just gobbledy-gook. Please refrain from laughing at the attempts I make in the next 12 hours or so. It may just end up black and white until Jamie can help me fix the mess I made of her lovely design... But I just wanted to make something on my OWN!!! Is that so wrong?!?!? Grrrr.....


Yet another day where 327 brilliant thoughts that I desperately wanted to remember have somehow escaped my memory... old age? Need more Vitamin A,B,Q,H? Hmph.
~~~~~~
I got to breathe in my nephew's sweet baby scent today. I realized that I am truly happy for them and not at all jealous. No yearnings for my own tiny bundle.... which is a strange feeling as I've ALWAYS wanted a tiny baby around. Ever since I was little... And now? Now I am thankful for the years I had with them, and thankful for the ages they are now. Not that I wouldn't be thrilled to be surprised someday. I can't picture a time in my life where I would ever be upset to be pregnant (well, there was that one scare, about 7 months prior to my wedding and the dress was bought and the hall was booked and all...). But I am able to say that I am full. I feel complete. No one is missing. Our family is whole... It's a good feeling.

When Evan was about 2, I looked at them playing at the zoo, and said to Patrick "Someone's missing. We're not complete yet." He needed a little more convincing, but agrees that Corinne was indeed missing from our family picture...

So. My 2 year old is my last baby. The end. No more tiny things... No more wistful thoughts for future children. I can't quite say how I feel about that part of this whole "complete family" thing. It seems to age me, inside... I have started to drift into the "Experienced Mom" side of the playgroups rather than the "New Mom" side. Not that I don't have New Mom friends! I do. I love them, and their sweet worries, questions, and amazement over the parenting experience. But I am not completely at ease in my BTDT role. Not yet, anyway. I do feel a bit of a responsibility towards helping new parents, when they have worries and questions. I hate to hear of new parents being treated as imbeciles that can't make an educated decision. If people haven't figured out by now that there is no ONE way to raise a child, well, fooey on them...

I DO wish that I could travel back to each pregnancy, each newborn stage, and just feel them close to me, once more... The hopes and immense feelings that were brewing in my hormonal soup. Mainly, just to touch the new skin of my own children, and to smell their sweet aromas...

Sigh...
Post a Comment
Related Posts with Thumbnails