Sunday, November 24, 2013

Gimme a Break aka TeamRoss aka I Heart Metaphors aka There is no such thing as a post title with too many words

Let's say that you and your significant other have always enjoyed extravagant desserts. We're talking about a creme brulee and double chocolate cheesecakes follow up by root beer floats and a couple of bon bons a night, kind of decadence.

Let's say that all of this indulgence has caused both you and your beloved to be a little more voluminous than either of you would prefer, both for vanity and health reasons. So she decides to cut out all of the sweets and fatty foods, cold turkey! (no pun) Because you love her more than any pastry or cream puff, you go along with her newfound health craze.

No more ice cream!

No more cookies!

Gone are the pineapple upside down cakes after dinner and the raspberry coffee cakes for breakfast.

It's been rough. It's been REALLY rough, but the two of you have forged on because it's really important to you both and it's making a difference! You are both a few pounds lighter, and have noticed an increase in energy, though you're both definitely a lot more crabby.

A simple meal of baked chicken and rice with steamed broccoli can swiftly escalate into outright battles, complete with water glass slamming and finger pointing. Finally, your wife can't handle it any longer:

"I'm DONE! Eff this 'diet' crap! I don't care how soft we get or what state our cholesterol is in! I AM DONE!"

And she storms off, grabbing the car keys and leaving you alone with your confusion, a plate of cold chicken and a floor covered in bland white rice.

You sit at the table in shock! You didn't want to stop dieting! You didn't want to, but she abandoned you and you just KNOW that she is in line for an extra large banana split at Oberweis* drive thru. Why should she be enjoying the formerly forbidden fruits while you are left to suffer in hunger and loneliness? This whole diet was HER IDEA to begin with, ANYWAY!

And so you grab YOUR keys and head out. You pass the McDonald's and Burger King; too easy and commonplace after the weeks and weeks of deprivation you've suffered. The Wendy's frosty is eliminated as well, for similar reasons.

And there it is: Bakers Square. Land of the banana cream pie topped with almond slivers. Your siren song. The indulgence you had the most difficulty abandoning during the entire diet phase. You pull up to Bakers Square and enter the building, place your order for a large slice of pie and steaming cup of coffee, and the rest of the visit is a blur of a whipped and creamy, buzzy haze.

You slowly exit the building; appetite satisfied, but a little sad that you couldn't have enjoyed the treat with your sweetheart. You wonder what treat she is indulging in as you shut the door to the mini van. Your drive home is uneventful except for the delicious memories of that fanFREAKINGtastic pie you just devoured.

You are greeted at the front door by your sweetheart who is wearing a sheepish grin and doe eyes:

"I'm so sorry, honey. I don't know what came over me! It must have been a drop in my sugars or something. I'm so glad you knew that I didn't mean that we should really go off of our diet!" She laughs and throws her arms around your neck.

And then she pauses.

Peering at your lapel, she gasps, "Is that... WHIPPED CREAM?" and she shoves you back to arms length to stare into your eyes where your wide-eyed blinking confirms the delicious evidence. "HOW COULD YOU?!?" She screams.

"But. But. We were on a diet break!"

"I DIDN'T CHEAT! I didn't go out and eat any of the fatty or sugary treats, just because we broke from our diet for a few minutes!"

She is growing more and more livid each minute, but so are you, because you were, after all, ON A BREAK, and didn't do anything WRONG!

"You never said it was only for a 'few minutes'!! How was I to know you would change your mind again?!?"

And so, I have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Rachel was wrong and Ross was right and she was a self-centered, spoiled little brat who couldn't handle the bed that she had made, once it was all tucked in.

A BREAK IS A BREAK.


*Oberweis Dairy is a Chicagoland treat and has the BEST ICE CREAM in THE WORLD. It's a scientifically proven fact.
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