Sunday, July 29, 2012

That Which Shall Not Be Named

So, there's this somewhat biggish blogging convention in New York this week. Have you heard about it?


I harumph because I am not going. I am not going for a multitude of reasons but none of them are strong enough to quell this insane jealousy that arises whenever another blogger squeals "Are you going?!"

I generally answer with an expression like this:

Yeah. Jealousy on my face ain't pretty.

So! I am going to list all of the fabulous things that I will be doing INSTEAD of attending some silly little convention that hardly anyone ever even hears of:

1. I will be camping! In a tent! With my 3 children and husband! In a TENT! With one teenager who hates sand. And, did I mention we're camping on DUNES? SANDY dunes? Which will get all over my angsty, sensitive teenager?

2. I get to cook all of my meals over a campfire or a tiny little grill. OUTSIDE. With bugs! No room service or overpriced New York restaurants for me. No way! SISSIES! I'll be ingesting extra protein from the bugs that die from the chemicals on my bug-sprayed fingers. (admit it: you're getting jealous, right?)

3. Instead of having to check my email and twitter every few seconds from all of the updates that hundreds of far-flung friends will be sending to me at That Which Shall Not Be Named, I will be virtually internet free. OH. JOY. Yep, living it up in the wilderness* with my family (including aforementioned angsty teenager) while you all are held hostages by bustling party schedules and interesting conversations with brands that want to give you free products. 

4. Plush hotel beds? Fine linen sheets? PSHAW! I am positively GIDDY that I get to sleep on an air-mattress with our scratchy old sleeping bag in an un-air-conditioned TENT! Gid.Deeeee.

5. Shoot. I'm spent. Making up fake lists is rough, y'all.

6.  I won't have to cart hundreds of business cards to function after fabulous function; mingling and mixing, drinking wine and laughing, being forced to be entertaining and amusing. Nay, I shall be carting bag after tedious bag into and out of our tent and van; shaking sand from every orifice of my body. I shall be relaxing on a lawn chair by a campfire with a s'more in one hand and a cheap beer in the other, talking with my husband, sister and brother-in-law after a long day outside with our children. (actually? The last part sounds pretty good...)

So, as you can see, I have PLENTY to do instead of jet-set to New York City this week. Plenty. Enjoy your silly little convention while I commune with nature.

*by wilderness, I mean a state campground with a general store and flushing toilets.
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