Saturday, April 21, 2012

It hurts.

I have piles of parenting books. PILES and piles of them. Some that I bought when I was newly pregnant for the first time. They were eagerly read in 1999, occasionally thumbed through in 2002, and really haven't been touched since. I picked one up the other day to see if they cover this stage. I was pretty sure that the humorous advice ended somewhere around "potty-training" and "what to do when your kid is the biter in preschool." Sure enough, the wistful, tender chapters cut off right around the time parents feel as though they've got a hold on things.

Leaving us totally unprepared for the shitstorm that the teen years bring.

I had no idea that anyone other than my husband could break my heart anymore. They don't put that in "What to Expect". If they do, it's written about how your 2 year old tells you "NO!" when you say it's time for a bath. Yeah. That's not really heart-breaking. When you know your teen really and truly doesn't care about something that is important to you and your family? That's when my heart breaks. Even though I tell myself  "13. 13. 13. It'll pass. 13. It'll pass..."

Even though I know that I was a total shit at 13, but I am now an absolute delight to my parents and never give them ANY grief, anymore.

Still. It hurts.

A lot.

I have been offered teenager books to review. I think I even have a few that I'm supposed to be reading. And yet.... I get depressed when I ponder how long I'll be in this stage. How many more years I'll have to deal with the hormone fluctuations and personality changes.

If ever I wistfully stare at a newborn baby or precious toddler with enormous eyes, it's with the knowledge that that innocence is temporary and that each sweet little one is a future teenager. My heart is tainted right now.

I feel so... powerless. I feel so unnecessary. And when I say that Hogwarts is a fabulous idea? When I joke about how awesome it would be to send them off to learn magic in England? I am not really joking.
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