Hallo, ladies! Zey call me Mr. Rooter, but zees feels so formal, no? Please, call me Antoine. I want you to feel comfortable around me. Tell me your deepest secrets and most intense desires. I promise, you won't be disappointed!
It was weeth great excitement and mild trepidation that I attended the Midwest Media Summit in Chicago on Saturday. When I opened mah eye,* I could not believe mah luck! 100 beeeutiful women in one room? And all of them yearning to hold me in their hands?
Sidney fell in love with me. It's true! And what can I say to such a lovely woman? Sidney, no matter how far away you are, you will always be close to mah heart, too. Oh-ho-hoh... The memories shared from our moments at the summit will carry me through ze most deesgusting clogs...
... Though I must admit being a beet, how you say? Confus-ed? Yes, confused by zis Tweeeeter everyone was ooohing and aaahing about. Why a tiny screen when you have me, Antoine Rooter, around to entertain your twitchy fingers? Mah confusion has NOTHING to do with my lack of opposable thumbs, deespite vat Miss Tracey likes to claim! I say, Leeeve your life! Do not vaste it twitting and tweeting and chirping like leeetle birdies!
I must confess: I have a zing for zah blondes, too. Miss Melanie.... Mmmm-mmm. She makes my plunger happy.
The women of the table felt the need to compare my plunger size to the size of their, um... Vell. You can fill in the blanks. I was embarrassed, to say the least, especially when they pulled out ze cameras, but never like to deesapoint a woman. I did mah best. They left happily surpirised. ;)
Sigh... Again. It is ze bane of an action figure's existence that we must, how you say, acquiesce to a human's desires. Miss Rita could not control herself. Mah plunger has zees affect on women. I cannot help it!
Who knew zat these "Mommy Bloggers" could exhaust a leetle plastic man so thoroughly? Zey Do! Not! Stop! Enough with ze giggling and tossing and bending of mah arms! Give a plumber a break, ladies!
*Sadly, Mr. Rooter is a one-eyed action figure. We try not to make too much of an issue out of it. He's already self-conscious enough about his, um, "size."
**My own apologies to Mr. Rooter if this post isn't quite as appropriate as they would like. I honestly toned it down. This IS the PG version, believe it or not...
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