Sunday, February 07, 2010

What I want for Christmas in 2010

So I'm sitting here at 7 am on a Sunday morning with my family still cutting zzz's and my coffee still too hot to drink. Shivering my ass*off, I grabbed the decorative Christmas blanket** off of the back of the couch and wrapped myself up, good and tight. My robe and slippers are upstairs... Hmmm. I? Am lazy. They're upstairs. I'm DOWNstairs.... The blanket will do. I do not need the exercise (despite the cream puffs). Onward to Blogland!

I pull up new, favorite blog. I read. I comment. My blanket falls off. Damn. Tug, tug, shiver.

I pull up an old, favorite blog. I read. I comment. My blanket falls off. Damn! Tug, tug, shiver.

Rinse and repeat about 10*** more times. Much swearing. Much shivering.

I rub the crusties out of my eyes with my icicle fingers**** and have a conversation with myself.

"Self, I am so cold! I hate this. Why don't you turn up the damn heat?"

"Stop your bitching, ya big baby. It's set at 67! How warm do you want it to be?"

"Um, warm enough that my hands have some circulation?"

"WHATEVER! Your hands and feet NEVER have enough circulation! You will definitely have them cut off before you're 65, and turning that thermostat up will NOT make them all comfortable and cozy!"

"You are SO CHEAP."

"Get another blanket."

"It keeps falling off!"

"Put on your robe."

"It doesn't cover my feet! Besides it's UPstairs!"

"Lazy ass."

"Tight ass!"

"Whatever. I'm outtie. Touch that thermostat and I will totally bitch slap you."

Continue to grumble to myself, even though I am no longer there to talk to...

"Man. I wish I had a blanket that wouldn't fall off! I wish I could stay warm while I type! I wish I had a long, fuzzy blanket that had some sort of holes or something in it so that my arms could sneak out of it.... Oh. Wait. Yeeeaaah...."

I must apologize to all of the Snuggie users that I have mocked. I now see the folly of my ways and I CAN understand how a blanket with ARMHOLES could be beneficial to my life...

* (which is definitely bigger since the cream puff incident)

**(Yes, the Christmas blanket is still out, though we have literally dozens of other blankets with which to adorn our furniture. WHY is the Christmas blanket still out? Because I forgot to put it into the boxes when I UNdecorated which means that said blanket will most likely still be out come July...)

*** (SHUT UP. Ok, FINE. More like 20-30. My name is Tracey and I cannot stop myself from stalking people I don't really know on the Internet. Wanna be my newest bff?)

**** (My circulation. OY. Let me TELL you about my circulation! It could be 90 and humid out and my hands would STILL be a cool and relaxing relief from the heat. But in February with the whipping winds and the alter-ego who is a tight-fisted bitch, I am left in seriously cold pain. Pity me, won't you?)
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