I was lucky enough to receive one of 50 copies of a book by Lisa Garrigues called "Writing Motherhood." It's a fun, smooth book dedicated to encouraging women (mainly, Mothers) to write. To write frequently, to write with more freedom... Simply: to Write.
I'll say this: I loved it. This book acknowledges that everyone has a story to tell and that each of us that has the desire to do so, can record it with heart and pride. She never ONCE talked down to me as a reader. Lisa makes it a point to remind us that no one is perfect, nor should we attain to become perfect. Especially not when it comes to writing! Writing should be from the heart. From the soul... Abandon the rules and Let Go!
In that spirit, several bloggers are banding together and accepting a writing project. A sort of meme, actually, when you get down to it.... Please check out New Jersey Moms Blog for the lead stories and continue through the comments to find the full list of everyone participating. It should be interesting to see the different takes on the same topics! Lisa Garrigues will be commenting and interacting as the posts go up! Pretty exciting stuff...
~~~~~
My take on "My most outrageous or inexcusable bad Mothering Moment:"
Only one? Heh... Seriously, though: the list is endless. How shall I zero in on one moment, without negating the disgust I feel for the others?
I will confess that one situation that stands out quite clearly is, unfortunately, not unusual.
In order to understand this disastrous breakdown, one must understand the child with which it happened.
Evan. Oh, my Evan... To describe him is to describe the weather: always changing, always moving. Sometimes fantastic, sometimes destructive. Rarely does he move through a room without knocking someone or something over. Never quiet, he is a human tornado, picking up and dropping off with little warning or reason. How can you blame the weather for being what it is? How can you fault the rain for falling or the wind for blowing? Nor can I blame Evan for being the zesty sparkler that he is.
However, all of this "zest" and "weather" from a 6 year old boy can wear a Mama down. He simply cannot be contained nor can I rationalize with him. Truly, the phrase "in one ear and out another" is giving him more credit than I think is possible as it rarely goes IN the first ear to begin with! You can surely imagine how I feel at the close of the day. You can surely understand the frustration I feel as we try to accomplish basic tasks such as bath time.
After washing Corinne first, I turned to Evan and began to sudse his head up.
Mom - "Evan, hold still. EVan, HOLD still, I can't get the soap lathered! "
Evan - bouncing around and splashing his sister...
Mom - "EVAN. I said STOP and I am getting really ticked off!! Cool it!! EvvvAAANN! EVAN!!"
(Continue on for a few more minutes... You get the picture...)
Evan - still bouncing around, splashing his sister (whose cries are echoing off of the walls), sticking his butt up in the air and singing some crazy song...
(Here's where it gets ugly)
Mom - at the top of my lungs, in my ugliest, scariest, cruelest impersonation of "Mommie Dearest" "EVAN!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BEHAVE?!? WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SO ANGRY??? DO YOU ENJOY IT? CAN'T YOU SEE HOW FURIOUS I AM?!? STOP IT!! STOP IT!!! STOP ITTTTT!!!!"
Evan's face... Sigh. I can barely describe it. The shame I feel over the fear I saw in his eyes... The fury I felt inside, boiling and bubbling over, I cannot justify. He's SIX. Yes, he is wild. Yes, he was misbehaving. Yes, I had had a long day. But I can NOT excuse my behavior. I am the supposed "adult" here, and was acting not only like a child, but like a spoiled, bully-child.
I DID apologize, but only with the follow-up of "..I was wrong, BUT, you did blah blah blah..." Not a true apology. Not a good enough reason to frighten him to weeping and cowering in the tub. My baby boy. My whirling dervish that brings just as much joy and love as chaos and destruction...
Sadly, I get pushed to and over the brink more than I'd like to admit, even to myself. I'm a work in progress, trying to morph into a better mom. A better woman. A better ME.
I guess that's all any of us can attempt...
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26 comments:
Ah... unfortunately I have had way too many of those moments myself. I'm working on it, but it's a process... just thought you'd like to know that you're not alone!!
Tracey, I so appreciate your honesty. It's not the kind of thing many moms admit to (losing their cool with their kids) but it actually helps to know that others stuff up sometimes, that I'm not the only one who feels ashamed after I've yelled at the boys for something, forgetting that I'm the adult and should never resort to such childish behaviour.
You know what? We can all work on it TOGETHER :-)
I've had several of these boil over moments with Sam lately. It's awful. But this post reminds me (and this should remind you) that it happens to all of us. We're only human and can only take so much sometimes.
I need to try and be more patient though. I swear being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done.
Beth - total mom haircut
Wow. You more than likely reacted the way a lot of other GOOD moms react. Kids are not easy . . . and we are by far NOT perfect. We're human. And, being that I've been reading your blog for awhile now, I can tell you one thing, you are a GREAT mom!
I know I'll have those moments. For now, when J acts up (if that is really possible for a 10-month old), I just tell him, "Geez, J, quit being a baby." Laugh. Laugh. Then I remember he won't be one for long. Sniff. Sniff.
We are mothers. We have the hardest job on earth. We are going to have moments where we look at ourselves and say "I can't believe I just said that to him..." All we can do is continue to love and nurture them, no matter what stormy days or sun-filled skies lie ahead. Thanks for being so honest, it's what makes you such a wonderful Mom.
Tracey ~ I'm sure when I tell you that how you describe Evan is exactly how I would describe Jacob comes as NO surprise.
As patient and "Root & Sprout" as I am, I've done the same thing - TOTALLY lost it in a moment of frustration and said some not-so-nice words. Fortunately, for mothers like us, it's a rare moment and not a regular thing. We have plenty of chances to make up for it, and we do. As horrible and as guilty as you might feel about that, have no doubt that Evan loves you and thinks you are the best mom EVER!!
Hi, Tracy, I'm the author of Writing Motherhood. As you can tell from the flood of comments to your post, other mothers are relieved to read about your "bad mothering moment," as it so closely echoes theirs. Aside from being taken with the honesty of your post, I'm impressed by your ability to recreate scene. We are all there with you in the bathroom, practically in the tub, listening to your words, watching your expression, feeling your mix of emotions as they swing from frustration and anger to guilt and love. This is what writers do...so keep on writing. Best, Lisa
EEEEE!!! Thank you, Lisa. I really appreciate it.
Well, our kids have to have something to tell their therapists in thirty years, right? I mean, you have to give them some material. And if this is all he has to say, I think you've done well.
Kidding aside, this parenting stuff is hard. There's no way each of us doesn't lose it sometimes; but it is obvious to me from reading your blog these past weeks that you have great kids and you're a great mom. When your kids grow up (tear!) they will not remember the times you lost your temper; they'll remember all the fun and memories you made with them, and one would hope (and expect, really) that this will carry on into how they interact with their kids. And now, I must go and have a heart attack at the thought of my babies growing up and leaving me, and then having kids of their own. Yikes.
Love the idea of writing from the hip.
I hate it when I hear myself asking "What is wrong with you?" Because I know what is wrong. Their kids, and possibly tired, hungry, or kids.
Still, it can be SO frustrating!
Tracey,
I loved your description of Evan as the weather - it was beautiful and so vivid. Thank you also for writing about this. I too lose it (often at bathtime!) and it's a relief to know that I'm not alone.
Oh can I relate! To the blow-up, to the apology, to the regret, to the passion to do better. You rock. Thanks for sharing this tough moment.
yes we can relate. all too much.
Girl, I relived that scene with Adam in the tub just last night. He apparently doesn't like his hair washed all of a sudden. Who knew? Me? I'm too tired to negotiate it. We've all been there, mothering isn't easy, esp. with a hard child. Remember, I, too, have a hard child.
I can remember being kicked out (ok,asked to leave) library story time when J was 19 months old and I just wanted so badly to be around some adults, having not interacted with any women in at least six months, and he suddenly didn't want the door to be closed and, well, a huge tantrum later and we were in the car and I screamed at him on the way home asking him why the hell couldn't he just let me have some friends man. It was shamefully horrifying and downright childish of me and Ill never forget the look on his face in the rearview mirror. AND he was just a baby. I sobbed all day after that and just wanted to die. I really did. I was a horrible mother, I knew it.
The good thing. He doesn't remember that. I don't think he's scarred from it, as I'd imagined and I know the good I've done for him since outweighs the bad. The same goes for you too.
Again, big virtual hug for you.
Ugh...I am there more times than I wish. It's a hard job...sometimes I just have to walk away. Great post about a tough situation.
Brilliant post, Tracey, just brilliant. I love the honesty of it, and I can't help smiling just a wee bit over how hard you on yourself for something some mothers would dearly love to count as one of their worst moments. You were angry, but you weren't cruel. You didn't call him nasty names or tell him he was a worthless human being, or that you hated him or wanted him gone.
Anger is a hard thing to fight and an important thing to fight. It doesn't set a good example or teach our children how to cope well with their frustrations. But it doesn't leave the deep scars that cruelty does. Even as we upbraid ourselves for our faults as mothers, I think we need to take some time to be gentle with ourselves. To remember that however bad a day we may have, we love our children and let them know it often.
Our kids are pretty darn lucky in the scheme of things, I think.
I have been there many a moment and then I instantly regret it. No one can make me lose it like my kids can.
Sigh.
Maybe by the time they are grown up, I'll figure out how to keep my cool?
One can only hope.
You have to remind yourself that they are just children, doing what children do. When those moments hit, I go get myself especially (I go to my room.) and the children some space until calm returns. I really believe it is normal to experience this occasionally.
Been there, done that. We're only human and sometimes it's hard to keep our cool. And some other times, even harder!
; )
How do they know how to push our buttons on exactly the wrong day?!?! I think your story places you with the rest of us. We've all had moments like that only yours was very well written.
Aw honey, thanks for sharing. I do it too. way more than I want to think about. uck.
But I too am a work in progress. Thankfully!
My heart goes out to you...I have been there at both ends...as the parent and the child. You need to apologize without the BUT, all that does is justify what you did, and you know what you did was wrong. I have had to do my fair share of apologizing...and it still haunts me seeing what is reflected in my babies faces because of my anger. You are not alone...
we are all works in progress..... show me a perfect mom and I will show you a 50's sitcom rerun :)!
Yes, you are supposed to be the parent, but parents aren't perfect. I have lost my temper with my children on more occasions than I want to remember. I think it is okay to say "I am sorry, I should not have yelled, but ...." I don't think it hurts to explain why I lost my temper. A big hug and kiss, and everyone is happy again. (Until the next time.) I don't mean to sound like I am contradicting you or being critical - just wanted to say I know how you feel, and don't be too hard on yourself.
This is my first visit to your blog, but just in reading a couple posts, I know I'll be back often. I came across the book "Writing Motherhood" recently and thought how awesome it would be to take the class so thank you for posting about this opportunity. I'm definitely going to check it out.
I felt like I had my own "Mommy Dearest" moment this past week (no wire hangers, mind you...haha). In fact, Joan Crawford's face popped into my head after yelling at my 4 year old daughter, tossing her in her room, and slamming the door - all for putting thick, gooey ointment in my 2 year olds freshly washed hair just before we were ready to walk out the door. ahhhh! (I hadn't slept much the night before either...so that didn't help my quick reaction.) A guilt-ridden apology from me, a big hug,and an "I love you" followed minutes later. And I tried my best to get the ointment out of my son's hair without having to put him in the tub, but he pretty much looked like Danny Zuko for the rest of the afternoon. :)
Your post and these comments are encouraging to moms out there because we all have our less than stellar moments. It's comforting to know that as mothers, we are in this together and what binds us all is the infinite love we have for our children.
*I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to post a link to this post on my blog for my friends to read. I know they would appreciate the encouragement too. Thanks again for sharing.
You are definitely not the only mom who has lost it like that while yelling at their child only to see their child look up at them with those eyes full of fear and start crying. I've done that before w/Kayla and felt so awful afterwards, especially when I've promised myself I wasn't going to be a screaming mother like my step mother. Sometimes motherhood is just so hard.
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