Thursday, March 15, 2007

A rather morbid post...

Gasping for breath over here... We haven't watched Tarzan in about a year, and Evan put it in just before I put Corinne down for a nap. Remember that first musical segment? You know, with the parents dying and the baby gorilla getting eaten by a tiger and all? Yeah. I had forgotten how powerful those scenes were for me.
I ended up doing the choked cry and having to sob while rocking Corinne... just imagining all of the mothers throughout all of time who have had to grieve for their children... The concept is so powerful, so unfathomable... and yet it happens all the time. And no one ever thinks it will be them. And there is NOTHING you can do to prevent life from happening. Nothing you can do to continue living a good life without taking chances...
I held onto my baby and cried for all the moms who are truly aching for their babies. No matter their age when they pass away, they will always be our babies. And your arms will always ache for them. I know many moms, online and in real life, that have this pain. This pain that I am only imagining...
I am so sorry you have to feel it...
I remember all of your children, and ache for you...

I can only live for today. I do not honestly care if my child has 4 cookies instead of 1. I will not fret about the imperfections of my children or life. For I have it incredibly good right now. I continue to count my blessings and acknowledge that I have no control over them. I am so thankful that I have a son that will turn 5 in a few weeks. That I can celebrate this milestone. I pray that I can celebrate many many birthdays and holidays and everydays with each of my children. And I pray that if I may have to survive my children, that I have the strength to go on... I think I am happiest when I am able to acknowledge my mortality and my family's mortality. One day, my children will die. One day, my family and I will be gone. I know that there is SOMETHING that connects us spiritually... that we are more than just "chance" beings, bumping around into each other, without rhyme or reason. I know that things DO happen for a reason, no matter how obscure they may seem at the time. I pray that I can always find the reasons behind every seemingly tragic or unfortunate event.

Sorry for the dramatic post. I am actually having a good day... just had to get this off of my chest, so that I may continue my happy life...
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