Matters of the Mouth

After being greeted by THIS last night,

(Yes. I screamed. Yes. I am disturbed.)

...my darling middle son promptly yanked his jaws apart to display the new vacancies on his gumline.

"Two molars at once, Mama! And they didn't even have cavities!* How much do you think they're worth?"

"The same as every other tooth. Trust me on this one."

The teeth were placed in their regular spot for tooth fairy receipt (i.e. in a ziploc on a kitchen shelf because fairies can't fit under pillows - They'd suffocate - DUH) before we went to bed.

I discovered the baggies the next afternoon, emptied of their money but still containing the teeth (because that's just how our fairy rolls, yo). I mentioned that I was tossing them in the trash and he flipped out:

"NO! MAH TEETH! I worked hard to grow those teeth, woman!"

"What were you going to do with them? String them up on a necklace?"

(Ever have the inability to stop words from escaping your lips? Even though you are 10000% aware that they are VERY STUPID WORDS to be uttering?)

He didn't even pause:

"YESSSS!!! That is an AWESOME idea!!"

"Nononononono!! You can't! You can't string your molars around your neck..."

"Like on The Walking Dead! YES! That would be SO COOL!"

He began bouncing around the family room with his friend chanting something inhuman that cannot be recreated for internet purposes. Just trust me that it was a moment of Holy Shit; how have I found myself in this house with these people??

I laid my head on the tabletop. Obviously, I have failed at parenting today.

*Need to clarify with him that "not having cavities" is the goal with teeth; not something to be surprised about.**

**Also need to clarify that my kids don't have tons of rotten teeth. I have no idea why he was all ecstatic about the status of his tooth... probably just to make me look bad.