Wednesday, April 04, 2007

She says it's the same, but it isn't the same...

(Remember that Roseanne episode where they have Dan Goodman portraying a middle-aged D.J. ?And he's rocking in the corner of a psychiatrist's office repeating, "They say she's the same, but she isn't the same..." --referring to the fact that 2 different girls played the character of Becky. I've had that line running through my head lately)
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Justin keeps on making comments regarding the different ways we treat him and Evan.

"It's not fair! EVAN doesn't have to do as many chores! "
"You just LIKE being mean to me!!"
"Aren't you even listening to me? Why does EVAN get to do so many things that I don't?!?"

As I'm sure you know, parents have been using the lines of "I love all of my children the same" and "when YOU were his age, you were allowed to blah blah blah too."

You know what? Those aren't exactly true. At least, not in my family. I DON'T love all my children the same! Not more or less, exactly. I mean, is there a chart with which to actually measure love? I would run into a burning house for all of them. I would never be able to make "Sophie's Choice," and they each mean the world to me. But the feelings toward each of them are so vastly different. Mainly because of their personalities and our relationships.

And when Justin was Evan's age, he DIDN'T get to do all the same things. We weren't the same people then, so we didn't do the same stuff! We lived in a different home, with a different income, with different friends. We were newer at parenting, and had never had a 5 year old before, and so were trying things out. If something worked, we wouldn't go any further than that to try other ways to get over that particular milestone.

I guess I should just let Justin read this. Might be good for him.
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Yesterday was my birthday. Thanks a lot for remembering... :) Just kidding. I am 31. WHOOT!! I don't really care about the number (yet) but it sure did suck that I had really bad stomach pains, a stuffy nose and headache all day. Yeah. Nothing to make you feel older than you are than a cold.

Except.

Except I am reallllly worried that the stomach pains might be something else. And I realllllly don't want to make that phone call to the dr. And I WILL, but the last time I got bad stomach pains that came and went, accompanied by really weird bloating, I had 2 dermoid cysts on my ovaries (a canteloupe and a ping pong ball, as my doctor referred to them) and I had to have surgery. Surgery which scared me more than I'd ever thought possible. I remember crying hysterically on the operating table and the doctor walking in and saying "What's wrong?"
DUH!!! I could freakin DIE!!! I had all of these "what if's" running through my head: What if the anesthesiologist is new? What if the nurses were out partying last night or up with a baby and can't respond quickly? What if it's malignant? What if they take my ovaries? What if? What if? What IF?

Of course, I came through the surgery fine. And I kept my ovaries. And they still worked (CORINNE!). But I had a rough recovery, with an infection that went deep into my stomach which required me to clean it out 3 times a day MYSELF with huge q tip things and this duo-derm stuff. It was a fun holiday season, that year. Laughing or sneezing would send me crashing to my knees, trying to stop the tears...

So, you can see why I'm not anxious to call and ask for an ultrasound or cat scan. BUT. I will. Maybe just not this week... This week, I want to go out on Saturday for my birthday with Patrick. I want to wear the new emerald(ish) ring from Evan and sparkly watch from Justin. I want to watch my kids find the Easter eggs and get dressed up. I want to be thankful for what I have... then I will worry about the future.

Maybe it's just the flu? Stomach cramps? OLD AGE?!?
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