This is me, asking Fate...

I keep waiting for the change in our income to be reflected in our wallets and bank accounts. Sadly, it's still extremely tight around here, just with a much brighter projected future on the horizon. I know that the bills WILL be paid and soon, but it seems as though we're still taking 2 steps backward with every paycheck from Pat's new job.

Have I mentioned my woes with my refrigerator? It has been temperamental again and I fear that we will need a new one soon. As in, this week, soon. And I began to ponder how long we could survive using a cooler and pantry items, because THAT kind of cash isn't available, nor will it be for quite some time. Fate needs to LET UP on the problems. Just for a few months, please? Just a few months with no appliances fizzling out, cars stalling on roads in the boondocks, kids going to the E.R. or unusual expenses being thrust upon us. Just a FEW MONTHS to let us get the people paid off that we so desperately WANT to pay off, but keep struggling to even chip away at because of these damn unexpected expenses. I KNOW that by next year, if everything goes as planned, we will be out of debt or extremely close to being out of debt. I KNOW that we can do it, if only we can be allowed to put a little aside each paycheck!

Please, Fate; PLEASE. Just a little relief. Just a tiny break in the stupid situations that cost so much money. I know we've got it better than many people do. We've a home, healthy family, and prospects for the future. I know I'm being greedy here. But I still have to put it out there. One can't receive if one doesn't ask, right?

Working on it.

Ooooohhh boy. I am desperately trying to be still and just breathe this morning. It's pretty freakin hard when your day starts out with enormous boulders being dropped in your "bathtub." But I'm breathing and looking at my kids and breathing and trying to be still...

A joyful picture from just a few days ago. I'm going to reach that feeling again, today. Even if just for a short while. I WILL radiate some freaking joy, damnit.

T Minus 56 days and counting...

How is it that Halloween is like, TOMORROW?

Wow. This month has flown by.

Which means (choking on my stolen Snickers bar) that Christmas is 56 days away.

(inhaled the nougat filling over that...) I need a drink.

Trying to shake off the millions of fears that I have for this winter and focus on today. Trying to focus on Now.

Now, which involves my kids having a sleep-out on the family room floor, watching Pokemon together after another decent day of homeschool. Listening to them hang out. Remembering the hour-long "monster" game they played that had all 3 of them laughing hysterically. Wiping the happy wetness from my cheeks over the love I have for everyone under this roof.

Now, meaning the fairly full pantry and fridge. The rare treat of bacon for breakfast (thank you Papa) which made all of their eyes light up in anticipation.

Now, because everyone I love is healthy and here. We have a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. This won't be the best holiday season because of gifts received, but hopefully? Hopefully it will be the best holiday season because of the gratitude we can find for the blessings we DO have.

I'll still be stressed. I'll still cry every day over things I cannot control. But my goal is to focus on the things that ARE within my control. My goal is to stay above the depression that never fails to accompany the retreat of the sunshine from our state. My goal is to LIVE my life TODAY instead of desperately attempting to insure that tomorrow will be better...

~~~~

Hope your Halloween is fun and safe! Hope OURS isn't as rainy as I think it will be!!

Fine.

As if I don't have enough bills towering over my computer, I was bestowed with the honor of not one but TWO violations on my van today!!

Happy! Joy!

For what it's worth, in all of my years of driving in the good state of Illinois, I never knew that parking on the side of the road, facing the "wrong" way, was illegal.

Surprise! Because it IS! And it's a $10 fine.

Seriously?!?

Seriously. A $10 fine. Which is actually a big deal for us right now, so it's not even as amusing as it would have been a couple of years ago. It might have been funny in another 12 months, when we're in a much better spot than we're at right now. (I KNOW WE'LL BE BETTER. If I say it loud enough and often enough, it will come true.)

So FINE. A fine.

And that is how my pretty decent Thursday went sour.

Silver lining: At least they didn't tow me. Right?

Because I am NOT a child anymore...

I was the child that would frown at the photographers. How dare they treat me like such a, a... CHILD?!? Making silly faces and having puppets annoyed me to no extent. There are many family photos where I had a pout instead of a grin, simply because some ADULT was acting JUVENILE.Me at my 8th birthday. I WAS happy! See that half-smile? My mom earned that because she WASN'T acting ridiculous!

I was the child that would clam up when hurt. Yes, I'd be bleeding and bawling, but please! Don't coddle me! I was NOT a baby and did NOT appreciate being cooed over, having injuries called boo-boo's and a kiss NEVER made it feel better. This lovely trait continued on into adulthood. Picture me on the delivery table, whimpering, "Mommmeeee...." (Yes. It's true) only to shove my poor mother away when she hurried to my side. After all, I was NOT a baby! I could do it MYSELF! (Wonder where my daughter gets it from? Look no further than the tree she fell from.)

I was the child that wanted no help. No help! No help! I CAN MANAGE!

I'm seeing a pattern here...

And yet? Sometimes, we all need help. This is a lesson we all claim to understand. Especially when it's someone ELSE needing that help. It's super easy to be the helpER. But when an honest need settles upon your life and takes up residence, the lesson on how to swallow your selfish pride and accept the assistance (with a smile) from those who can and WANT to help you takes on a whole new meaning.

I thank each person who has supported us. I thank each person who IS helping us. It is amazing to me that in the crappy state of our economy there are still so many people who are willing to sacrifice so that we might be more comfortable. I promise to hold this hard-learned lesson near to my heart and continue to help others as you have helped us.

You know who you are and I'll never forget it.

Oops. Needed a title, didn't I?

Such a quiet morning. Except for the crickets and other chirpy bugs that are having a field day with the overcast wetness outside. My windows are open and it feels like we're camping (without the dirt) (well, SOME of the dirt. I am not particular about a clean house.). I just realized that this is the first year in a decade that my family didn't go camping once. I mean, we took the kids in the backyard to delude them into thinking they were going camping, but that's not the same. Hmmm. Another tradition, ripped in half. I know we'll try to go next year, but I HATE it when yearly traditions miss a step...

That leads me into considering how I can make this Christmas fun for the kids without spending any money. Patrick and I don't need presents, and I know the kids will have lovely gifts from our families, but I still need to provide at least A gift from us and the big man in red. (And that would be a HUGE change from the years past...) So I have been entering contests on blogs. And I mean I have been ENTERING. Every day I search for items that match what my family might be interested in. I haven't won anything yet, but I know that the odds are, I will win SOMEthing for SOMEone this Christmas. If any of you all know of sites that host good giveaways for kids like mine, please forward the link, ok? Muwah.

~~

I really am distracted lately. I can't bring myself to post very great posts or even comment as regularly as I used to. I'm sure it's because of the season (Back To School) and the humidity (sticky! Everything is STICKY) but I don't know what to write about other than financial woes (which has been done to death and is bugging my husband when I DO write about it, but he doesn't like to hear me talk about it all the time and I NEED to talk to SOMEONE without them offering suggestions for our problems. So? I write about it online. Because you will listen and not go on and on about what we SHOULD be doing when we're doing all we can. I DIGRESS). See? Almost an entire paragraph in parentheses! That is Not Normal, my friends.

Also, this grateful thing is NICE and all, but I don't think it has changed my daily outlook. Not really. I mean, if I look back through this blog, I will find dozens and dozens of posts where I whine and then remark about the silver lining. Apparently, I am already a Pollyanna who tries to find the good in my life, even when the load is too heavy to budge with a 18 wheeler. But I am NOT a quitter, so here's some of the goodies of my life:

~ I cleaned my laundry room and found 65 cents!
~ I have 2 cards from JCPenny and Kohl's for free merchandise! I am heading there today or tomorrow to search for a fabulous deal for a present for SOMEONE.
~ It may be hot but we have the neighborhood pool and it's calling our names today...

It's Always Something...

So this weekend will find us cramming all 3 growing children into the back of Pat's Grand Prix for an hour ride to a company picnic. I am actually THRILLED at this prospect as I haven't left the neighborhood once all week.

I haven't left the neighborhood all week because the Big Red Van is in a car repair shop in a small farming town about 3 hours West of our home.

Our Big Red Van is in B.F.E. because it broke down when Patrick was driving the kids to the wedding that I missed when I went to BlogHer instead. It broke down during a hail storm, to boot!

It's STILL at the shop because we are struggling so much financially that the difference between the new part and a used part was WORTH the wait. Sadly, the Big Red Van will be getting a NEW computer thingy because there aren't any used ones available. This is FABULOUS news in addition to the letter I just received from the IRS stating that we made a mistake in 2007 and must pay the government some magical, invisible money that we don't have.

And this is why I am happy. Happy to be squeezing into a small car and going to a free company picnic with hot dogs and softball and fresh air. Happy to be able to leave those stresses behind, if only for a few hours. Happy that my kids will be able to enjoy a bit of the fun of summer, since Mom and Dad have royally screwed up the finances.

A totally unrelated question:

Is this something I should be concerned about?
Unclear? Here's a close-up...
Corinne has taken to tying cords and belts around her stuffed animals and hanging them from random locations. "They like it, Mommy!" Suuuure. They LIKE being hung by their necks... I had to clarify, AGAIN, that she can NOT tie up our LIVING cats. EVER. This is an ongoing conversation in our home. One which I hope I pound into her little head before she murders our cats...

Taking a new path

Originally posted at the former Chicago Moms Blog on June 12, 2009

Taking a new path

Sometimes life is funny. I'm not referring to those life situations where you lock yourself out of your own house and have to send your 3 year old through a window, all the while yelling directions from the ground without scaring him, hoping that he'll get to the front door on time before the security system starts to wail (true story). I'm not even talking about the slapstick moments of slipping on ice in front of a school bus of teenagers; arms flailing, whooping like one of the Stooges and, naturally, cracking the ice with a triumphant SPLAT when your graceful ways prove non-existent.

I refer to the situations where you are presented with what appears to be a tragedy. Your life halts, and the path you are on completely alters. What was once paved and gently curving through a park is now covered in loose gravel and seems to be curving down towards a gulch at an alarming angle. Life becomes unstable and managing the basics of your life is almost foreign.

When our family's lives were rocked by my husband's unexpected job loss (thank you, economy!), we were already in the midst of an ongoing conversation regarding another new path for our household (homeschooling our eldest child). With so many free radicals at once, I would have expected for someone to find me curled in corner, unable to focus. I was tempted, trust me. But strangely, enough, I surprised myself. My husband and I joined together. We stayed optimistic that something would come from this upheaval that was better. We were able to see through the unsettled dust to envision a new way of living. One with a closer family unit. One with more time together. One with new adventures and relationships.

Life can be funny like that...

Though our new path isn't completely solid yet, the angle is no longer as scarily steep.