Thursday, June 25, 2009

I Am.

It has come to my attention that my children have been placed above myself in my life. It has come to my attention that this is no longer a situation I can be content with.

Does that sound horrible?

Hmmm. It may be. But it's not meant to be.

I mean only to say that they are extremely important to me, but should not completely define me. And I fear that this is what has happened. I fear that I have become "only Mommy". And while Mommy is wonderful and beautiful, and something I want to retain as an integral piece of myself, it is not the complete picture of who I am.

Nor should it be.

But how do I attain the peace within myself? How do I nurture my own heart and emotions without neglecting those of the children I am to be raising? How do I connect with my husband in our extremely sparse time together? Is it even possible to have more than 1 or 2 aspects of my life flowing somewhat smoothly simultaneously? Must one portion always be forced to lie fallow so that the others may prosper? Must my own personal growth and contentment be the weakest link in this pecking order?

And yet, how can I fully devote any attention or passion for my children, home or marriage if my own desires are so subdued that they are practically non-existent?

What exactly are my desires? Good question. I ask myself that very thing, every moment of every day...

To be loved. (which I am)
To be truly desired.
To catch his eye, and catch my breath.
To be free enough to dance in the summer night.
To be acknowledged for my talents, accomplishments, and abilities.
To discover for the sake of discovery.
To perform on stage.
To move people to tears.
To be moved to tears.
To have him reach for my hand, before I reach for his.
To write with abandon and without interruption.
To know that I am living my life fully, and without regret...


marissa | Rae Gun Ramblings said...

wow, I know so many people that have grappled with this same idea, but I love the way you put it and the questions you ask are perfect. Thanks for being so honest.

Unknown said...

I get this. There is a fine line you walk... It makes perfect sense


Hannah said...

Wow, great post. You have described so beautifully and eloquently the way most mothers feel, I think. I totally understand. And I appreciate your willingness to share so openly.

Tonya said...

great post!

Kelly said...

We get so caught up in the lives of those around us, it's easy to forget about ourselves and what we need. I love that you are able to say, so clearly and beautifully, what your desires are.

And in regards to your previous post... I have also been thinking about getting a tattoo after being against them for so many years. What up with that?!

Debbie said...

Tracy, this is a wonderful post. Beautiful. It is incredibly easy to lose sight of yourself in favour of those who depend on you every day. I think this is especially true of mums who don't work outside the home. Thank you for sharing.

One of my favourite quotes from a book about women in mid-life was "you can have it all, just not all at once." Everyone needs to decide for themselves just how much of each they are willing to give up.

Marie said...

I love the analogy of the airplane... when the flight attendant talks about the oxygen mask they always say put it on yourself first, then assist those around you (including your children). You are no good to anyone if you are passed out!

Momma@Live. Laugh. Pull your hair out said...

I understand 100%.

I find myself wondering if staying at home really was the best thing because I have lost my life and myself along the way.

I am Mommy. The one who does everything for everyone else....except myself.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I've been grappling with this, as well, and I try my damnedest to keep my blog up, practice my hammered dulcimer, and visit with friends who knew me as Heather before I was "Bubba's/Miss-Miss's/J-man's Mama". It's difficult, though. I feel your pain.

Lynsey said...

yes! I feel the exact same way! I'm so terrified that I'm going to wake up one day, put on my Mom jeans, put my hair in a scrunchie and never look back!

How do we save ourselves and still be good, devoted Moms??? If you find the answer, please let me know. This is something my husband sooooo doesn't understand. All I feel like is MOMMA. It's hard to go on date nights with him and not feel completely out of place unless I'm feeding my crazy toddler at the table or chasing him around the restaurant.

Anyhoo, nice post. It got me thinking. I like that.


Lynsey said...

PS- my word verification was BALLS. Thought that might make you laugh.

CaraBee said...

Well said. Finding the balance between mother and wife and individual is so tough.

Kamis Khlopchyk said...

Go for it Tracey, all of it. Not only do you deserve it, but I've no doubt that you can do it all. And I get what you mean, totally. You are not your children.

anymommy said...

Exactly. Just, yes.

Babe in Babeland said...

You're so right on!! I'm in the same boat and trying to figure this out as I keep growing in my motherhood role. I'm still ME! I'm also a mom.

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

Great post. Your list of things you want from life are really inspiring!

I'm always thinking/writing about this subject as well, so I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I used to think I didn't want kids and now I have four under five and have no idea how many more I'll have, so I think a lot about balance in that department. (I recently touched on the subject here if you have any interest -- though I promise this comment is not just thinly-disguised self promotion.) :)

Anyway, I'm glad to have discovered your blog. I look forward to reading more.

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