Friday, May 10, 2013

For No Particular Reason

Knowing that my mood is about to swing doesn't mean I can stop it. It gives me fair warning, I guess. A really kind choice would be to extend that warning to those around me, but that doesn't often occur to me until I'm sitting in my closet with the door closed, crying over my lack of clean, matched socks.

Knowing how lucky I am when it's the spring and summer months full of sunshine and outdoor activities doesn't change the fact that I will still struggle to feel joy inside of my heart right now. Happy moments, yes. But that deep-down joy will escape me.

I know from experience that this wave will wash over me, regardless of any levee I build.

It's the quiet of the night that consumes me and fills my mind with thoughts and scenarios and wishes and dreams. I've always dealt with this. Every month, every winter, randomly.... These sudden crashes of hormones aren't a new delight; the ability to look ahead and SEE that it is on the horizon is fairly recent, though. I guess I'm grateful for that? Yes. Grateful. Yippee.

There is power in knowledge, yes? I think the fear lies in that I never know exactly how massive the current tide will be.

~~

I would wager that making a drastic change to the tattoo I've always wanted probably isn't a good idea during a mood crash, eh? Or maybe it IS? I have always kicked around the idea of a hawk as it means a lot to me (freedom, beauty, strength, yadda, yadda) but I have yet to see a design or sketch one out that I would actually want to have on my body from now until I die. And then the idea of a poison dart frog popped (hopped?) into my mind... And I kinda love every single thing about it:

The ability to defeat huge obstacles despite its ridiculously tiny stature; the wildness of the rain forest; and a beauty that I adore, even if I can never hold it in my hand....

~~

I've come to the realization that I have been permanently cut off from a dear friend's life. It wasn't a clean or efficient slice. It didn't happen with precision or explanations. It's been months of quiet disregard for my feelings, and the replies to repeated emails and voice messages have been brief and subtly cutting. I don't take hints very easily, though and have continued to hope. Each hope has been tediously ignored and brutally papercut away from me... Last night I realized that the friendship is no more. Despite the fact that I will always care deeply for this person, I will no longer be allowed into her life. It would have been so much kinder to have just told me to go away.

~~

So much good in my life. So much happiness and friendship and love. I laugh to think of how blessed I am, but that doesn't equal an inability to feel deep and crushing sadness. I can be grateful for my blessings and still yearn for that which I cannot have.

~~

Speaking of blessings, Listen To Your Mother is scheduled to be on the NBC Nightly News at 5:30 CST tonight (Friday) AND possibly on the Today show tomorrow (Saturday) morning. If you are anxious to get a glimpse of the show I adore as it is seen through the eyes of a tv editor, please tune in and then be sure to tell me how awesome it is. I would not be opposed to being told that LTYM is amazing a few more times.




6 comments:

Shannon said...

I can relate to the hormone mood issues. First two weeks, good. Second two weeks, watch out.
I also can sympathize about the friend - not so much cut out, but more abandoned.
I'm sending love and good feelings your way.
...and LTYM is amazing.

Brandie said...

(((hugs))) I get this. Hormones suck. On so many levels.
And feeling that cutting off feeling sucks too.
Sometimes the warmth and sunshine can make everything seem alright, and sometimes it simply tempers the blow, and other times you wish it would just get cloudy and rainy out so that the weather would match your mood.

Also, LTYM rocked this year. And last year. Which is no surprise because you rock. xoxo

Kat said...

Stinking hormones. They really can mess a woman up, can't they? Ugh.

And I am so sorry about losing your friend. I know it hurts, but clearly she wasn't a true friend. Right? Not that it makes you feel much better.

Anonymous said...

ARGGGHHH. I hear you. So clearly.

And LTYM rocked. (Can I say that?) And you and Melisa are AMAZING at nurturing a community of writers. And with or without the "mood crashes" (so aptly put!) I'm happy to know you. {{{hugs}}}

Steph Lovelady said...

I hope you are feeling better, and I'm sorry about your friend. It sounds very painful.

Kathy said...

"I can be grateful for my blessings and still yearn for that which I cannot have."

Yes, you can.

I think and feel that way often.

I also get the moodiness and random crying episodes. When that happens to me I always think the movie Broadcast News and how Holly Hunter's character has a few crying episodes throughout the film that I think shows so well how real women experience waves of emotion.

And I am sorry about your friend. I have one too that I've struggled to accept and make peace with how our relationship has evolved from being the best of friends to rarely seeing or speaking to each other.

Sending hugs, peace, love, light, thoughts and prayers your way. xoxo

P.S. Congrats again on LTYM! It was awesome to see the show this year and I can only imagine everything that went into making it what is was/is. Kudos to you, Melisa and the rest of 2013 cast.

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