Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Ramblings of an insomniac....

Pay no attention to the tears streaming down my cheeks. I'm just another 33 year old insomniac who will later shriek at her children through exhaustion, thereby waking her husband from his pitifully allotted sleep.

I woke at 2 am with a completely numb arm. Nothing gets my attention faster than an appendage that doesn't respond to a direct command. After my whole "paralyzed hand" situation, little things like my dominant arm not moving get me a little tense...

I sat up in bed, jiggling and shaking my body, elevating my right side with my left arm, and my mind began to wander, as minds tend to do... Do you ever try to take a shower with your eyes closed? Or get dressed without using one of your legs? (No? This is just another quirk that is unique to me?) I often marvel at how quickly something as simple as bathing and dressing could become a complicated feat if we were to be deprived of one of our senses. How do you trust yourself to get out of the shower for an emergency if your deaf ears cannot hear your children shouting for help? How much work could I really accomplish if my body didn't work the way I am used to?

And then I complain; "My life is so haaaard! I am so stressed from this period of debt, lack of sleep and being deprived of any meaningful conversations with my husband. Wah wah wah..."

I want to be Ma Ingalls. Really. Remember when Laura got up in front of the class and "read" her report about her hero? And she was wearing the blue dress that Ma constructed from her own, only "fancy" dress? The dress that Ma slaved over throughout the night, just so that her daughters could have something pretty to wear with pride? And the report; Laura raves about how Ma does so much work, and does it without complaint and always a kind word and tender smile.

Shoot. I KNOW it was a tv show. But there ARE women like that. And I just want a little, tiny bit of that selflessness to shine through me. I long for a portion of the patience and control it would take to be alone, truly alone, with only children and an exhausted husband, day in and day out. Can you imagine the stamina it must have taken for women in the 1800's prairies to survive? The iron will and resourcefulness....

Just a smidge. That's all I need.

17 comments:

Leah said...

I hope you get some sleep soon.

I too sometimes wish I could be half as selfless as women back then. But then again I think of all that I have given up for my children already.

Kristi said...

There's no way I could ever have that level of selflessness. It just isn't in me. I think a lot of women in the 1880s were that way out of necessity. On the inside, they were probably screaming for some alone time with their frontiermen husbands, or at least a solo trip to Starbucks. ;)

I hope you get some much-deserved rest soon.

we are reilly said...

funny -- I was just thinking that I wanted a 'simpler' life just the other day! I am not one with excess, but I feel like I have too much already -- I want to live off the land, have well-behaved children (the seem better behaved when we don't have as many 'things') and a life that is just more simple than the one I have!

p.s. have you ever tried to brush your teeth with your non-dominant hand or with your eyes closed and saying the alphabet backwards? Yes -- I do those things! :)

L~ said...

Sleep is necessary. That`s all there is to it. It would seem as thought the thoughts in my head have found their way to your blog...opps.

Gettysburg Mom said...

If it had been a realty show instead of a TV show, the producers would have caught Ma swearing that Pa should just put the damn fiddle down already and help her with the dishes.

Silicone Momma said...

You're not going to believe this but my right arm was numb about 12am too. It's normal for me though due to my neuropathy. Sometimes it's my arm, or leg, or face, or boob. So I understand how that feels. I always worry that the feeling WON'T come back. I've been reading your blog for a while and it's almost like our thinking runs parallel. Get you some sleep and get back to being a mommy...we'll wait patiently for your next blog so don't feel obligated to entertain us.

Mom24 said...

Tracy I'm so sorry. I share your insomnia and it is not fun. I share a lot of your other worries too.

I hope things get better soon. I know the kind of women you describe are out there, but I think they're probably not very real. I would rather be a person who can express things--good and bad, than someone who stuffs it all down just so an image can be projected.

I'd love to have a smidge of those women too though, maybe it helps to know there are others out here who feel that too.

the mama bird diaries said...

Not sleeping is the worst. I hope you get some zzzzz's soon.

anymommy said...

Insomnia sucks. And oh yeah - Ma Ingalls was a TV mom. Not real. ;-)

Would-Be Bonus Mom said...

I'm convinced that type of "selflessness" does not exist. You'll kill yourself trying to live up to it. Don't do it!! I love reading your posts too much. Get some sleep ... benadryl works wonders. :)

Tonya said...

I've often thought about Ma too! Oh to be so happy and hard working. Hope you get sleep soon.

Kat said...

HAHAHA!!! That is one of my very favorite episodes of Little House. I actually have it in my DVR. Makes me cry every time.

CaraBee said...

I loved that show when I was a kid. I sometimes think I would like to live in the past, but then I think about all of the stuff they had to live with and I am very happy that I live in an era of Target, microwaves and indoor plumbing.

Marie said...

Me too.

Lis Garrett said...

Ah, but that type of woman just doesn't exist. She might appear that way on the outside, but one wrong touch would shatter her into a thousand pieces. There's only so much you can give, give, give to others before you start to fall apart. My husband constantly reminds me, "Don't be a martyr." It's okay for a mom to be a little selfish with her time so that she doesn't go crazy.

Get some rest . . .

Allison said...

I've been away for a while do to stupid computers, but I'm back and so glad to be reading your thoughts again!

I loved Little house on the prairie when I was little - nothing like a tear jerker right?
I'm sure your kids will write a report about how you sacrificed your day to make sure they had the one on one schooling that they deserved.

Oz said...

I was whining about pregnancy the other day, and a friend started talking about some book he'd read that had letters written by pioneer women in which they talk abou their 12th or 16th pregnancy. All with no indoor plubming and angry bears. Yeah, I felt like a total whimp.

I hope you get some sleep soon!

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