Wednesday, September 23, 2009

1 Month and 1 Day

She stumbled into my office and crawled into my lap. Her face flushed and warm, her eyes droopy and sad.

My baby is catching a cold.

:(

I let her snuggle on my lap while I attempted to beat my Facebook friends on Bejeweled Blitz until the drool on my shoulder made me realize that she had passed out in the middle of the day. Poor baby! I hefted her to my shoulder, her legs dangling to my knees, and slowly made my way to the couch where I paused for a moment; I could put her down. I could put her down on the couch and let her nap while I continued to crush people I rarely see on a silly game. Or I could keep her in my arms while she sleeps. We could relax on the couch in the afternoon, just the two of us...

How can I resist that option?

So I lowered myself down, kicked back the footrest, and held my sleeping 3 year old. And as I thought about the fact that I was holding a napping 3 year old, I realized that this will be the LAST TIME I ever do this. Unless her cold lasts longer than I think, or I have a surprise baby (HAHAHAHAHA), this will be the final afternoon cuddle with a sleeping toddler. For in just 1 month and 1 day, my BABY turns 4.

FOUR.

Oh, my heart! It's the first year of being a "big kid." A 3 year old still holds some semblance to the baby that they once were. A 3 year still retains the ability to be called a "toddler", though my daughter hasn't toddled since she was 10 months old. Always running, climbing and dancing, she has seemed older than her age from the start. But to have the number 3 permanently disappear from my family line-up feels... weird. Unsettling. I mean, I have been a mommy to a 3 and under child for a decade. 10 years, 8 months, to be exact. For 128 months I have held the title of "Mommy to a baby/toddler." But in exactly 1 month and 1 day? That title will be stripped from me...

What a big to-do, eh? Moaning and groaning over a number? But this IS a change for me. Being a mother is the defining aspect of my adulthood. Being a mother to only Older Children is a new direction that I hadn't planned on taking. I mean, seriously? Does any mom to a couple of babies or toddlers honestly believe that she will one day be that seasoned mom of Big Kids? It sounds like a foreign country! How could MY babies grow into creatures like those I've seen in other families??

But, grow they do. And I am fortunate to have this blessing of being a mommy to Big Kids. Not all moms of babies and toddlers get to reach this stage, a tragedy that I am extremely aware of. But it doesn't make me miss my snuggly babies any less...

So I held her. We snuggled. I stroked her damp hair off of her almost-4-year-old-head and cradled her like the baby she once was. I got weepy as I remembered the countless hours and hours spent rocking her, and Evan, and Justin in the glider that now sits in my family room as a gamer chair. My throat clenched up while I attempted, once again, to hold onto this moment. To make it last. To freeze this snippet of life; not only in my heart, but in sentences and paragraphs.

This? Is impossible. Even now, less than an hour after we awakened (I fell asleep for a bit, too!) from our nap, the memory has faded. Always slipping away, my memories are like cups full of sand, being poured into the giant sand box that is my mind. I can only truly experience them once. One time, and then they are blended with the rest of my memories. Meshed and mixed and unclear. Shifting and sifting and moving together... Corinne as a newborn... Corinne as a one year old... Corinne in the glider... Corinne on the couch... Corinne on her bike... Corinne driving a car... Corinne getting married...

My heart can't take this. I swear it will burst....

13 comments:

CaraBee said...

Holding a sleeping baby is one of life's great pleasures. I don't want to think about the day it doesn't happen anymore.

PS - I'm coming for you on Bejeweled.

Heather said...

I savor those cuddles for sure. With any luck, we'll be able to cuddle grandkids someday!

mep said...

Every time I get to rock my three year-old (very rare these days), I try to stop and savor it (even when I'm anxious to get downstairs and clean up or watch tv).

I have many a days when I envy the seemingly greener pastures of big kid mommydom. Your beautiful post is a good reminder to enjoy each stage as it comes . . . and goes. Thanks.

Hannah said...

Aww, I can so relate! Have you read my blog today? My baby turned FIVE today, and I feel the same way you have described here.

It's SO HARD watching them get big and not need us so much.

I hope Corrine feels better soon as well!

Kristi said...

I loved reading this post. You are somehow able to do what I seldom am - to live in the moment and savor these little slices of bliss when they unexpectedly arrive.

4 is a "big kid," but Corinne will still need you, and I have a feeling this isn't the last time you'll get to rock her.

Rebecca said...

Oh how I feel you!! My baby IS 4, but I'm not counting him as a big kid until he starts kindergarten. Boy is that one going to be tough! Next year I'll have one starting high school and one starting kindergarten on the same day!! YIKES!!

Ooh, got off point there, sorry! But I do know how you're feeling. How much longer will they cuddle and snuggle and give nosey kisses and be all Mommy's!

Hang in there, Tracey - she's going to need you more the older she gets. You've got all that amazing girl stuff to look forward to, and how cool is that??

Daisygirl said...

I love bejewled blitz on facebook! Total addiction and my 1 year old constantly is saying...One minute...Go!
It is so bitter sweet as our babies get older, especially when you know youre not having anymore..I want my youngest to stay the baby forever!

Krahnicles said...

Tracy - your words painted the perfect picture. One of the greatest heartaches is to actually see our children grow. Where are my toddlers? At 11 and 13 they are long gone, on the outside at least - the heart is still the same. I recently reconnected with an old pal who remembered my youngest wanting a Power Ranger costume for Christmas one year - but not the "regular one, Mom" the one with the "real powers". Writing on your blog will help you remember - especially the afternoon you held your sleeping 3 year old. Thanks so much for sharing :)

Allison said...

I do think it is hard to imagine being the Mom of Big Kids. - I'm not one yet - I still have a 2 year old......Somedays (sadley) I look forward to the big kids. Then they do something sweet and innocent, and I thank goodness they are still little.

Yellow Beads said...

What a sweet post. My Mimi turned four this month too,...bittersweet.

Anonymous said...

Oh my. This is me exactly. My baby will be 4 the beginning of December and I can hardly believe it.

Issa said...

I am typing this with a feverish boy who will be one tomorrow. He has been laying on me napping for an hour at least. I am sad that my time for this is limited. But I know it is. Sigh.

I Am Boymom said...

What a poignant description of what we moms go through as our kids grow up! I am sitting here trying not to cry over your post! My youngest turns 8 in December. I have officially crossed over to Big Boy mom, and in fact am heading to teenager mom in a few short years with and 8 and a 10 year old. I'm not ready. I miss my babies so much some days. And then I see my big kid do something awesome and I am excited for the boys I have now, growing up and learning to be independent. Thanks for reminding me to cherish as many moments as I can before they leave to make their way in the world.

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